Akatsuki Gangstas
by AkatsukiAddict
Summary: The leader finally goes crazy and spreads the culture of HipHop and 'bling' to the other Akatsuki members. Crackfic. Rated M for language and awkward situations.
1. Chapter 1

This is the fourth story I've submitted on fanfiction.

Actually, the sixth, but I deleted two of them since they were so bad... T.T

Err... hope you enjoy! (I was on drugs while writing this! Muahahahaha!) XD

Akatsuki Gangstas

"I wonder what the fuck this is all about," Hidan mumbled irritably under his breath. The Leader had announced an emergency meeting in the middle of the night for some unknown reason.

"I have no idea," Kakuzu muttered back, equally sleepy and grumpy.

They jumped up and landed on their platforms. Actually, it was more like 'they landed on their fingers,' since the platforms were the tips of the fingers of two giants hands, but that just sounds awfully weird.

Everyone in the Akatsuki was tired and baffled. They had no idea what was going on at _all_.

Suddenly, the leader arrived from the shadows.

"Gentlemen, I have come to announce something urgent!"

"What the hell is it?" Hidan whined, itching to go back to bed.

"Shut up and listen!" The leader shouted, giving Hidan the evil-eye. "I have discovered something called 'Hip-Hop.' It has awoken me to see the true fashion and purpose of this world! You know what that purpose is, boys?"

Everyone but Hidan shook their heads, clearly puzzled.

"Hidan, you think you know?" the leader smirked.

"The purpose of life is to worship Jashin, _duh_. Every fucked up faggot would know _that_," he sneered, disgusted with how obviously stupid everyone else was.

The leader cleared his throat and replied, "Um, no. It is not that. The purpose of life is-"he paused for a dramatic effect, and continued, "it is to get all the hot sluts and whores we can!"

The meeting room had always been quiet, but this time, it was complete silence- almost eerie; no one was moving, no one was talking. Not even the rats moved for fear they would get stabbed by angry flying shurikens and kunais.

Finally, Tobi spoke up: "How do we do that, Leader?"

The leader smiled wisely and chuckled. "I have bought us all new uniforms! They are called 'hoodies,' along with some 'bling.' Of course, some new caps from us to wear backwards, or to the side, and some grills you can put on your teeth! I have learned a new jutsu that will enable me to put the grills on your teeth smoothly and painlessly. You wanna know what it's called?"

Everyone just looked at him as if he had gone mad. Well, they all had, but the leader was _way _gone, now.

"The jutsu's called: 'Put-On-Da-Grills-Nigg!' jutsu. Everyone, let's get off this freaky-looking hand and form a straight and orderly line in front of me," the leader smiled.

Everyone obeyed, thinking they were dreaming.

"It's just a dream, it's just a dream," Itachi told himself calmly.

Kisame, on the other hand, was sucking his thumb like a little boy. _It's not like anyone's going to care anyway. This is just a dream, not for real._

Hidan, staring at Kisame weirdly, was asking himself: _Why the hell is Kisame sucking his thumb for?_

Everyone was in mental chaos. Unable to think straight, everyone got the grills with no screaming or resistance.

"Good job, boys! Now, I will hand all of you these sweats, hoodies, bling, sneakers, and caps, so just take off your clothes and change into them. It's too dark to actually see anything, anyway," the leader smiled, throwing each of the outfits at the Akatsuki members.

Again, they obeyed.

_This is just a dream, yeah,_ Deidara shivered, not because of the sudden chill in the air, but because of fear.

They were all scared- except for Tobi.

Meanwhile, while the leader was acting totally Out Of Character, he was also thinking Out Of Character, which you can see here:

_Muahahah!!! I will spread Hip-Hop to the world ninja world, and soon, it will be all mine! Ahahahahaha!!! Sweet mother of bananas, I love my job!_

Oh my. Yes, trouble was beginning…

_Narrator, can you please get out of my head?!? _The leader shouted.

Ouch! Fine, fine, whatever you say!

**And so, the Powerpuff girls once again-**

What the heck? Powerpuff Narrator, get out! This is my story! The Powerpuff girls are to the left, dude, to the left!

**Oh, right, sorry; my bad.**

Anyways, back to the horrifying and baffling situation!

"Also, you guys will be speaking a new language!" the leader announced.

"What?" The white-side of Zetsu's face inquired.

"Yea, seriously," the black-side joined in.

The leader gave them the evil-eye and both of Zetsu's personalities shrank in fear.

"Okay everyone, pay attention! Instead of saying 'Hello,' you must say 'Yo,' or 'Hey.' Got that?"

Poor Tobi, who was completely confused, opened his mouth to ask a question: "Wait-"

"Anyways," the leader stated loudly, ignoring Tobi's cries, "the second thing you must know is that the word 'the' must be pronounced like 'da,' got it? And 'something' must be pronounced like 'somethin'. Oh man, we have so much to learn! Of course, don't forget to refer to other people as one of these: man, little man, nigg, brutha, or sistah'. Jewelry will now be called 'bling', and throw in any other funny word you like!"

Some of the Akatsuki members were now taking notes. The others were staring at him like dumb monkeys.

"Now, back to sleep!" the leader cried enthusiastically. "We must be well rested for tomorrow!"

No one argued with him. They all dragged themselves back to their rooms and collapsed in their beds, exhausted.

_AkatsukiAddict: _So, you like my story? (insert glittering eyes here)

_Freaked-Out Reader: _No, it sucked! It was so bad I wet my pants! I need new jeans now, and it's all your fault! (Goes home and cries)

_AkatsukiAddict: _Ahh, life sucks... T.T


	2. Chapter 2: Monday

Wow, this chapter's _really _weird...

Yup, I was definately on crack while writing this.

The first chapter was only 2 pages long, so I tried to make this one longer...

And lo and behold, it's 7 pages long:)

Enjoy! xD

Monday

"WAKE UP MOTHAFUCKA'S! TODAY'S A NEW DAY FOR US NIGGS, FO'SHO!" an extremely loud voice shouted, vibrating through all the rooms. It was meant as a new alarm clock, and it worked about ten times better.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Hidan cursed loudly, falling off his bed after nearly having a heart attack.

"Damn, I wasn't dreaming," Sasori mumbled, somehow mysteriously revived and in Hidan's bed.

"What the hell? Sasori, I thought you were dead, seriously," Hidan cried, astounded.

Sasori merely chuckled and stated nonchalantly, "The leader revived me."

"But Deidara told me that a pink-haired girl and your-"the religious man paused, trying not to laugh, "A pink-haired girl and your own grandma-"Hidan's contained laughter totally wasn't contained anymore, you know what I mean? Poor Sasori- Hidan was cracking up at the image he had conjured in his mind.

The puppet-master shook his head. Now that he was alive again, he would never be able to live it down.

"AHAHAHAHAHA!!! Whew, sorry man, I'm just ahahahAHAHAHAHA!!!" Hidan whooped, wheezing from laughing so much.

Sasori sighed and mentally slapped himself. _I should've ran away from the leader the moment he revived me, instead of going back to the Akatsuki like a dumb idiot_, he thought.

Suddenly, the door opened and in stepped Tobi, in his light blue pajamas. "It's breakfast time, Hidan!" he chirped cheerfully, and then noticing Sasori and Hidan together in the same bed. "Hidan, I didn't know you swung that way!" Tobi cried, actually disgusted.

Sasori and Hidan, completely confused, just stared at him like they were brainless chickens with their heads decapitated.

"What?" Sasori finally managed to ask. "What are you talking about?"

At this point of the conversation, Itachi and Kisame popped their heads through the doorway, wanting to see what in the world was taking so long for Tobi to ask Hidan to come to breakfast.

Then, they saw what Tobi was looking at.

"Wow, that's an interesting sight," Kisame described aloud.

Itachi, the emotionless prick he was, just stood there, speechless (not that he talks that much anyway).

Deidara and Kakuzu, having just finished their breakfast, spotted Tobi, Itachi, and Kisame huddled in front of an open doorway, frozen. Curious, they stuck a head in too, wondering what the hell they were looking at.

The first question that came to their minds, of course, was: _Didn't Sasori die?_

The second question was this: _Wait… why are Tobi, Itachi, and Kisame staring at- HOLY JAMA LLAMA!_

"You're _gay_? Hidan, I didn't know you swung that way!" Kakuzu exclaimed, remembering all the times Hidan had hit on females in bars and diners.

"Seriously guys, what the fuck are you talking-"Hidan stopped and turned to look at Sasori, who didn't have a shirt on, only a pair of blue plaid boxers. He looked down and realized he didn't have one on either, only a pair of black boxers just like Sasori. He fit the puzzle pieces together in his head and then came out with the wrong answer:

"HOLY SHIT!" he exclaimed, horrified, and tossing a pillow at Sasori's head. "Did you rape me while I was sleeping?"

Sasori, who was innocently baffled, inquired angrily, "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Hidan (who was unable to believe his ears) yelled loudly, "Don't act like you're so innocent! I'm pretty sure I wore a pair of pants before I went to bed last night!"

The redhead froze. He had worn a pair of pants last night, too. "So did I," he stated, confused.

"Huh? Then what the-"

"I took them off. I didn't want you two to wrinkle those expensive clothes!" the leader announced, suddenly appearing in the room.

"Holy shit! Are you serious?" Hidan screamed, his voice rising to the high pitch of a little girl's. Realizing this, he cleared his throat and recomposed himself. "I mean: WHY THE HELL DID YOU?" he bellowed, hurt by the lack of privacy he had in this organization.

The leader sighed and informed him, "I just told you that I didn't want you to _wrinkle the expensive clothes_." He repeated the last four words slowly, so that Hidan would finally get it in his head.

"Oh… but still- that's wrong, seriously!" he shouted back.

"Whatever. I don't have time to take care of immature brats like _you_, so hurry up and come down to breakfast. I baked it myself. Oh, and your food's probably ice-cold by now."

Sasori and Hidan stared at him. The leader actually _cooked_?

"Everyone else already ate but you two. We're waiting on you guys, so we can start up today's lesson on Hip-Hop," the leader stated.

"Oh, right, right," the two nodded, finally understanding, and stood up to put on some clothes.

"You guys are idiots," Kisame sneered, walking out the door. Everyone else followed behind.

"I will see you guys on the G.F.H. (A/N: Giant Freaky Hand)," the leader smiled, disappearing once again.

_That was fucking weird… _Hidan thought, shuddering. _I wasn't dreaming after all. Wait, but what was Sasori doing in my bed, anyway?_

"Sasori, why were you in my bed?" he asked casually.

"Well, I couldn't find mine, so I just went in yours. We're both men, after all," Sasori articulated calmly.

"What happened to your bed?" Hidan asked, puzzled.

"Well, when I was a puppet, I didn't really need a bed, so I never really had my own," he explained.

"Whatever," Hidan sighed, slipping a black fishnet shirt on, along with a pair of black pants.

Sasori just threw on a plain white T-shirt and a pair of black shorts. He somehow had the feeling they weren't going on their usual missions today, so he just wore some plain, comfortable clothes.

They padded to the kitchen (which they didn't even know they had; the leader must've built it overnight or something.) barefoot, looking around.

Somehow, the Akatsuki lair had almost completely changed overnight.

It used to just be a simple cave with rooms built in the walls with the giant freaky hand in the middle, but now it looked like a modern house. It also used to be really dark, so you could barely see the other person's body. Now, it was lit up with several beautiful, crystalline chandeliers.

There was a big kitchen on the right side of the Giant Freaky Hand, a long dining table on the left side. In front of the G.F.H., a couple of dark blue couches encircled a wooden coffee table. A big, wide-screen TV was in front of the arrangement.

"What the fuck happened?" Hidan breathed, glancing at the changed lair.

"Why the hell do you say 'fuck' all the time?" Sasori mumbled, getting tired of Hidan's constant cussing, although he himself swore, too.

"Why are you so curious all the time?" he mocked back, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Sasori merely ignored him and continued walking to the kitchen.

_Damn, the ceiling and the newly added furniture aren't the only things that changed. The entire floor of the fucking room is covered with a plushy white carpet. Wow, it's so soft…_ Hidan smiled, digging his toes into the soft carpet.

Wow, who knew Hidan had a carpet fetish?

_Shut up, you stupid narrator! _The silver-haired man shouted.

Err, whatever you say, little man! (Cough!) Carpet fetish! (Cough!)

Anyways, back to the story:

When Sasori and Hidan had finally arrived at the kitchen, they spotted two plates of perfectly-cooked eggs and two glasses of milk. They both grabbed a fork and dug into the eggs like a pair of starving, savage beasts!

Wow, men are such barbarians!

Sasori shook his head. He could've swore that he had just heard '_Wow, men are such barbarians!' _echoing through the lair. He must've imagined it. He picked him his grease-covered plate, along with his empty cup, and dumped it into the sink.

Hidan, on the other hand, just left his silverware on the counter, and jumped up to the G.F.H., where the leader and the others were waiting. Sasori followed after him, but discovered that Tobi was standing on his platform!

"This is my platform," Sasori informed the masked-man coldly.

"No, this is Tobi's platform now. He is a good boy!" Tobi exclaimed happily.

Sasori just glared at him. "You've got to be kidding me."

"Actually, the platform's both of yours. Sasori, you died, so Tobi took your position in the Akatsuki. However, since I revived you, I guess you guys will just have to share the platform," the leader shrugged.

Tobi was pleased with this. _I get to share my platform with Sasori, the former Akatsuki member! What a great honor this is! _He thought enthusiastically.

Sasori, on the other hand, did not feel as 'honored' as Tobi did.

"Now everyone, please pay attention!" the leader cried. "I presume everyone has brought some sheets of paper and a pen, or pencil, to take notes with?"

Sasori and Hidan looked at each other. They didn't hear about this.

"Sasori, Hidan, I'm assuming you two don't have your supplies with you?" the leader questioned, sighing.

"No sir," Sasori replied monotonously.

"Here, catch," the leader commanded, throwing them each a notepad and some pens, "And please don't forget next time."

The two nodded. They flicked the cap off of one of the pens, ready to write.

"Now, let's start with the vocabulary. The word 'With' must be pronounced like 'Wit'. 'Alright' must be mashed together into 'A'ight', and 'For sure' must be smashed together to form 'Fo'sho', got it?" the leader asked, the question sounding more like a sharp command than a query.

Everyone nodded, writing down on the notepad furiously.

"Okay then. 'What's up' can be said as any of the following: 'Whattap', 'Wassap', or simply 'Sup.'

"Instead of calling each other 'Friends', or 'Teammate,' we shall call each other these two words: 'Homie', 'Man', or 'Pimp.'

"The adjective 'My' will now be called 'Mah.'

"Of course, don't forget to call our lair, or home, a 'Crib.' For example: 'Hey man, wanna come ova' to mah' crib?'

"Oh, I forget to mention that any word that ends with 'er' will be changed to 'a', such as 'Over', or 'After'.

"Last but not least, any word that ends with 'ing' such as 'Feeling', will be changed to 'Feelin'. Just cut off the 'G' at the end- you just don't need it," the leader lectured.

Everyone let out a sigh of relief when they found out that the leader was done. Their hands were sore from taking notes, and their rear ends hurt from sitting on the fingers of the G.F.H.

"Shall we move on to our Walking Lesson?" the leader inquired enthusiastically.

The S-class criminals looked at each other. Huh? Walking lesson? They already knew how to walk!

"Oh, I know what you guys are thinking. However, it is not your average walk. It is the 'Nigg' walk. The Walking Lesson's going to be your first test, so be prepared!" the leader declared.

"_What_? We're taking a test _already, _yea?" Deidara cried, unpleasantly surprised.

"You guys will do fine, _don't worry_," the leader beamed. "Anyways, everyone watch me."

The Akatsuki members watched the leader with great interest. What kind of walk was it? _Oh, the_ _suspense!_

Suddenly, the leader unzipped his cloak to reveal a red, baggy football jersey over a white T-shirt. Of course, he wore a pair of pants that perfectly matched the top, along with the sparkly 'bling'. He wore black basketball sneakers, and slapped a cap on top of his head.

He turned it backwards, leaned back very slightly first, and then shoved his heads in the pockets of his shorts. Then, he started walking.

It was like any other normal walk, except that he had his hands in his pockets and was leaning back. It seemed easy enough to do.

He stopped, and then stood up straight. "Who wants to go first?" he asked loudly.

"Ooh, Tobi does!" Tobi exclaimed, very excited.

"Okay, little man. Go ahead."

Tobi jumped down from the platform and copied the Leader. However, he didn't any pockets in the cloak so he was a little off.

The leader didn't mind, though. After all, he _was _pretty close.

"Good job, Tobi, good job!" he clapped, pleased with his student's valiant effort.

"Tobi's a good boy?" Well, you can guess who said that.

"Yes, Tobi is a good boy. Now, who's next?"

Hidan smirked. He was confident that he could do much better than that masked weirdo. He jumped down, stuck his hands in his pockets, and leaned back slightly. He managed it perfectly. Jashin was obviously blessing him today.

"Great job, Hidan!" the leader blurted out, impressed with Hidan's natural 'Gangsta' personality.

After Hidan came Kisame. He, unfortunately, did not do it very successfully. Samehada and Gravity seemed to be in love. It kept pulling him down whenever he leaned back. Frustrated, he tossed his sword aside, and tried again. It was better this time, but not perfect. Poor, poor fishy.

After Kisame came Itachi. The Uchiha, who had the Sharingan, was able to copy the walk extremely accurately.

Deidara, Kakuzu, and Sasori did the walk decently, just enough to pass the test.

"I am so _proud _of you guys!" the leader sniffed, wiping away a single tear. "Now, let's have a verbal test."

Everyone groaned- another test.

"The test is going to be like this: one of you guys come up to me, and we'll talk in the 'Nigg' language, got it?" the leader explained.

They nodded, and quickly took a peek at their notes, trying to cram all the information in before the exam.

"I shall go in alphabetical order! Therefore, the order is this: Deidara, Hidan, Itachi, Kakuzu, Kisame, Sasori, and Tobi."

"Damn, I'm first, yea," Deidara sighed, leaving his notes on the platform and leaping down onto the palm of the G.F.H.

"The test will begin right….now!" the leader announced.

"Yo, sup?" The blonde asked, feeling a little foolish.

"Nothing much, man. Wanna go hang in mah' crib?" the leader drawled.

"Uh, y-yea, sure b-b-brutha. Do you have any hot…err… s-sluts there?" Deidara stammered, trying to remember the correct vocabulary.

"Fo'sho! They're all waitin' fo' you."

"Um…okay?" he inquired, unsure of what to say.

"WRONG! You fail. Hidan, you're up next," the leader sighed.

"Dammit," Deidara slumped, hopping back onto his platform. This stuff was hard!

"Alright, here we go," the leader said. "Wattap man?"

"It's a'ight, it's a'ight. What 'bout you, dawg?" Hidan asked, mentally slapping himself. _Where the fuck did 'dawg' come from? _He thought, feeling like a total idiot.

"Nothin' much. Just hanging with mah' bitches, ya' get what I'm sayin'?"

Hidan paused. _Now what do I say? _He closed his eyes, and slowly replied, "I bet those hoes are sizzlin'." _Shit, I totally made a fool of myself!_

The leader, genuinely surprised, merely smiled. _He's catching on quick. _"Fo'sho, homie! Here comes one of 'em." He pointed behind Hidan.

Hidan, catching on the game, turned around. "Whoo, look at that ass, man!"

"Fuck, that's one hot mama."

"Damn, I'd love to grind wit' her, you get what I'm sayin'?" Hidan was enjoying this. Why had he never talked like this before?

"End of test," the leader proclaimed. "Hidan, you get a perfect score. You're a natural."

"Seriously? Hidan asked, astounded. He was a _natural_? He felt deeply honored, as if Jashin had personally chosen him to be his assistant or something.

"Next is… Itachi!"

Itachi rolled his eyes discreetly. This was so foolish. Nonetheless, he jumped down in front of the leader.

"Ready, Itachi?" the leader inquired.

"Yes."

The leader was very curious to see how the stoic Uchiha would do. Somehow, he had a feeling it was going to be really weird to see the emotionless shinobi talking like a gangster.

"Sup man?" Itachi asked monotonously.

"Sup. So, 'bout that concert last night… don't you think those ladies were hot?"

"Yea, they were sizzlin'." He replied coldly.

The leader contained his laughter with much difficulty. It wasn't that Itachi was doing bad, but… I mean, you know. It was just very…unusual to see him talking like a pimp.

"Man, you're such a pimp. You had those ladies hangin' all ova' you!"

The Uchiha froze. What? Did the leader just say that the ladies were hanging all over him? And what the hell was a pimp?

"What do you think I am? A whore?" Itachi hissed angrily, taking this far too seriously.

"Well, technically a pimp _does _mean 'man-whore'," the leader said lightly, not understanding why Itachi was angry all of a sudden.

Itachi activated his Mangekyou Sharingan on the leader.

The leader (who had stupidly let his guard down while teaching), had fallen into the genjutsu easily. "Where the hell am I?" he asked, looking around at the red and gray-colored world. Suddenly, he saw himself getting his hair shaved off. "No, my beautiful hair!" he screamed, tears streaming down his face.

"71 Hours, 59 Minutes, and 59 Seconds left," echoed Itachi's voice.

Meanwhile, outside of Itachi's mental world stood the rest of the Akatsuki, wondering what in the world was going on.

About 2 minutes later, the leader started foaming at the mouth. A second after, he passed out.

"Itachi, did you just-" Kisame started to say.

"Yes," the Uchiha stated coldly.

Hidan and Kakuzu carried the knocked-out leader to the living room and left him on the couch. The lesson was over for today.

_AkatsukiAddict: _Man, I worked really, really hard on that chapter!

_Reader: _Doesn't seem like it.

_AkatsukiAddict: _What? Seriously?

_Reader: _You know what? I'm not even going to review for this chapter!

_AkatsukiAddict: _NoooOOOOoooooOOooo! Sweet mother of bananas! T.T

Moral of the conversation: Please review.

You guys have no idea how happy it makes me whenever I see a review for this... :)


	3. Chapter 3: Tuesday

Wow, I haven't updated in almost a week. O.o

Anyways, this chapter is probably even more messed up than the last one...

I had more crack... T.T

Anyways, enjoy! xD

Tuesday

"WAKE UP MOTHAFUCKA'S! TODAY'S A NEW DAY FOR US NIGGS, FO'SHO!" bellowed the Akatsuki's new alarm clock.

"Sweet mother of bananas!" cried Kisame, falling off the bed. Damn, that stupid new alarm clock rung again. Hopefully the leader would snap out of his 'Hip-Hop' mode and get back to normal- whatever 'normal' for the Akatsuki was, anyway.

He dragged himself to the bathroom and flipped the bathroom light on. Man, he was unbelievably tired.

He squirted some blue toothpaste on his toothbrush and started scrubbing his shark-like teeth, which were covered with shiny, diamond-encrusted silver grills. He spat in the sink and rinsed his mouth with cold water.

Smiling at himself in the mirror, he talked to himself, "Wow, I look sexy today. Fo' sho."

He froze. Did he just say 'Fo'sho'? Oh crap; the leader's 'Hip-Hop' mode was seriously getting to him. He mentally slapped himself and washed his face, hoping the cold water would bring him back to his fishy senses. Wiping his wet face off on the towel, he took out the hair gel and spiked his blue hair to perfection.

"Whew, I sure look _fine_," he mumbled cheerfully, walking back into his room. He stripped and slipped on a pair of black pants. Pausing to glance in the mirror, he stared at himself in awe.

"Man, I'm so smexy," he sighed, gazing lovingly at his six-pack.

Wow, what a conceited fish!

Kisame suddenly turned around. He was almost _positive _that he heard: "_Wow, what a conceited fish!" _echoing throughout the room. He shrugged- maybe it was his imagination.

He wormed (even though he's a fish. Haha, get it? Uhh… never mind) into a fresh blue T-shirt and stepped into his Special Akatsuki Shoes (S.A.S.).

He yawned loudly and jogged to the kitchen, famished.

"Morning," Itachi greeted emotionlessly.

"Morning, Itachi," Kisame chirped back. "You're looking smexy today."

The two men froze. What did Kisame just say?

Kisame, not realizing what had slipped out of his mouth, was horrified. He was saying it to _himself_, not to Itachi, but it obviously seemed that way.

"What the schnitzel?" Itachi gaped, actually shocked for once in his life.

"Ach, Verzeihung, gnadige Frau!" Kisame exclaimed, suddenly speaking in German.

Itachi, being the weird genius he was, knew German for some random reason. _Why the hell did he just say 'Oh, pardon, Madam'? _Itachi wondered.

"Um… DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN!" the fish-man shouted violently, unable to speak anything _but _German.

Itachi slowly backed away. He turned around impulsively, and ran.

Kisame, who was completely confused, started walking behind.

The Uchiha had finally made it safe in the kitchen, where all the other Akatsuki members were standing, holding their plates in one hand and eating with the other.

They looked at him curiously, wondering why the hell the usually stoic man was panting heavily, like he had just been running for his life.

Kisame, who had finally caught up to him asked, "Wie geht es Ihnen?"

"Ah, get away from me!" Itachi shouted, taking out a kunai from his pocket, "I heard what you said before!"

"Es tut mir leid," Kisame apologized. He didn't understand why Itachi was so afraid. He just yelled, 'DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN!' which just meant, 'YOU NEED A SICK SISTER!' Or at least, that's what he _thought _it had meant.

"I don't taste like schnitzels! Go away!" Itachi yelled, cowering behind a very confused Sasori.

"Wie geht es Ihnen?" Kisame asked again, trying to start up a peaceful conversation. He had just questioned: 'How are you?'

Itachi, finally realizing that he had misunderstood, calmed down. He recomposed himself and replied coldly, "Danke, gut. Und Ihnen?" It meant: Fine, thanks. And you?

"What language are you guys speaking?" Hidan inquired, raising an eyebrow.

"German," Itachi answered calmly.

"And since when do you guys speak _that _fucking language?" he questioned, a little freaked out.

"Ich-" Kisame started to explain, but Itachi had interrupted rudely.

"I had studied German as a hobby when I was young. Kisame, on the other hand, just started speaking it."

"Itachi, are you feeling okay? You're acting weirder than usual, seriously," he stated, starting to feel sorry for the Uchiha.

"No, I'm not feeling like myself today," Itachi admitted.

"You totally freaked out like a little girl, yea," Deidara snickered.

"Shut up or I'll slit your throat," Itachi threated angrily.

He obeyed, frightened.

Kisame sighed and grabbed a plate of toast and sausages off the counter. He wolfed it down in five seconds flat. Itachi, in contrast, delicately took the plate and ate it daintily with a fork.

"…This is delicious," he admitted quietly after he finished.

"It is," Kisame agreed.

"What the-! Kisame, you just stopped speaking in German, yea!" Deidara exclaimed.

"What? Huh? Oh yea, I did!" The Fishy grinned sheepishly back. The strange German curse was broken!

"Guys, I don't think we're acting Out Of Character enough," Sasori suddenly stated randomly.

"What the _fuck _are you talking about?" Hidan questioned, raising his eyebrow. Kisame and Deidara stared curiously along with Hidan.

The puppet master cleared his throat. "Never mind."

"You're fucking weird sometimes, seriously."

Sasori accidentally thought aloud and yelled, "OH YEA? HAHAHAHA, AS IF YOU'RE NOT A WEIRD PERSON YOURSELF YOU DELICIOUS, SCRUMPTIOUS PIECE OF CHICKEN!"

Now _everyone _was staring. What the gay raisin had just happened?

"Oh shit, I just said that aloud didn't I?" he asked, horrified.

They nodded.

"Damnation!" he cursed, slapping himself several times.

"Why are you slapping yourself?" Tobi asked, baffled.

Sasori laughed like a maniac and replied, "Because I've just gone nuts, that's why!"

"Sasori-danna, I think you need to go lie down," Deidara told him, slightly worried about his former partner.

"Hah, as if _lying down _would cure my insanity!" Sasori scoffed.

"Damn, he's seriously gone mad," Kakuzu muttered under his breath.

"SWEET CANDY CANES, WHAT THE BAZOOKA DID YOU JUST SAY?" You all can guess who said that.

"Why are you talking like that?" Kisame questioned.

Sasori cleared his throat. "I don't know. It's fun," he explained monotonously, back to normal all of a sudden.

The Akatsuki members, who were very freaked out, stepped back slowly from the redhead.

This was when the leader popped in out of nowhere and cried, "We're going on a field trip, children!"

"What the hell?" Hidan cried, astonished. Was _everyone _losing their minds? First, it was the leader. Then, Itachi came running into the kitchen a mere thirty minutes ago, panting and yelling like a frightened little boy. It seemed that Itachi and Kisame both went mad at the same time or something, because Kisame shouted something back at Itachi in German, and the Uchiha started bellowing back at in that guttural language, too. Now, it was Sasori who had gone to the crazy side. Who was to be next?

"Now don't be so grumpy, Hidan! This field trip for you guys is a _reward_ for your hard work and dedication!" the leader smiled.

"…You've got to be shittin' me," Hidan stared, appalled. What did the leader think they were- little kids or something?

"Shut up Hidan. Everyone go change, make sure your grills are nice and shiny, and meet me back here, okay?"

The religious man sighed tiredly. What the _fuck _was going on in this organization?

He slowly walked back to his room, filled with doubt and confusion. He washed his grills, changed into his Hip-Hop uniform, and slapped a cap on backwards. He glanced at himself in the mirror and frowned. He looked so… weird.

He grabbed his rosary beads and gingerly placed them in the pocket of his hoodie. At least Jashin still loved him.

Exiting his room, he examined the other people. It was then that he realized that _someone was missing_.

"Kakuzu, didn't we used to have like, a girl in this organization?" he asked his teammate, thinking of the blue-haired lady with the flower on her hat.

"Yea, she quit," Kakuzu replied coolly.

"Why?"

"Ever since she heard the leader was getting into the 'Hip-Hop' thing, she announced that it was 'very degrading to women' and that 'men will always be inferior.'"

"…Wow," Hidan raised an eyebrow. That was so like her. She always accused the other Akatsuki members of being sexist whenever they paid a prostitute to sleep with them. When Hidan had asked her _why _it was sexist, she merely slapped him and stomped angrily back to her dorm, slapping the door loudly behind.

"Hey y'all!" the leader yelled, grabbing everyone's attention. "I'll be talkin' like a real thug from now on, so y'all can learn faster, a'ight?"

"Holy shit," Hidan muttered under his breath. The leader was going to be talking like _that _every single fucking day? Damn, this sucked _ass_.

"In exchange, y'all gotta talk like me, too, you get me?"

Double damn.

"Are you kidding?" Sasori questioned monotonously.

"Nah man, course not. Does it look like I'm playin'?" the leader smirked.

"No, but-"Sasori started to say, but the leader interrupted: "Man, listen to me or I'll bust yo lip."

The puppet master clamped his mouth shut and rolled his eyes discreetly.

"Anyway, let's go homies!" the leader commanded, jumping quickly out the cave and hopping onto a tree branch. Everyone else followed, leaping from tree to tree.

"Wait, where are we going?" Kisame inquired curiously.

"We're goin' to Nigga City, foo'. It's hidden near Suna, in the desert," the leader explained.

"I've never heard of 'Nigga City' before," Itachi stated calmly.

"Of course you haven't. I'm the only one who knows it, dawg," the leader drawled.

"…" Itachi just gave him a _look_, and then shrugged.

"Yo, it's here!" the leader announced, halting to a stop.

Everyone else paused and looked around. Where was it?

The leader concentrated some chakra onto his right hand and chanted some archaic spells that probably not even the frightening Orochimaru knew. A green portal suddenly opened, and the leader stepped in.

The others entered the vortex cautiously. Reaching the other side- or other dimension- they froze and stared. They had arrived in some kind of crazy bar. There were girls in scraps of clothing doing some kind of freak dance with other guys, or in some cases, other _girls_. It appeared that they were _grinding _each other.

"Holy shit, what the fuck is this place?" Hidan gaped, appalled.

"Hidan… I'm scared, yea," Deidara whimpered, his eyes instantly widening upon seeing one girl bend over in front of a boy, her butt right in front of his…

…_sweet mother of bananas. _

"Welcome to New York, children!" the leader smiled. "Y'all are now in my club, a.k.a. the 20/20 Club."

"Leader, what kind of hellhole is this?" Hidan asked, dumbfounded.

"Don't call me 'leader'. It sounds so… archaic. My real name is 'Jay-Z', y'all get me?"

The frightened shinobi stared at him. _Jay-Z? Who the fudge was that? _

-_To be continued_-

DUN DUN DUN!!!

The leader is really Jay-Z? HOLY JAMA LLAMA, WHAT THE FUDGE?!?

(coughs)

Please review:)

And for my reviewers... you guys ROCK, seriously. I love you guys so much. :D


	4. Chapter 4: Tuesday II

Whew, I'm beat. I was writing this chapter without taking any breaks.

It was pretty fun, actually.

Once I get into it, I enjoy coming up with strange ideas for this story…

Anyways, enough with my blabber. Read, please. :)

Tuesday Part II

Kakuzu coughed, attempting to break the awkward silence.

Hidan, understanding his partner's motive, joined in by placing his right hand on top of his left hand and bending his thumbs up and down, resembling an 'awkward turtle.' It worked, and the irritating peace was broken.

"What the hell is that supposed to resemble?" Kisame questioned curiously.

Hidan, smirking at the fish's lack of intelligence, merely retorted back, "An awkward turtle, dumbass."

"I see…" Kisame murmured, nodding.

Itachi cleared his throat and said, "Hidan, you can be so _childish _sometimes."

Hidan, completely outraged by this insult, yelled, "WELL, AT LEAST I DON'T LOOK LIKE A FUCKIN' PANSY LIKE YOU DO, YOU MOTHER FU-"

"_Language, _Hidan, _language!_" Sasori sighed impatiently, cutting into Hidan's tirade. "I think you seriously need anger management, or a therapist."

"A _therapist_? I don't need no fuckin-"

"Yea, you do," he interrupted again. "And it might help if you substitute the word 'fudge' instead of 'fuck'."

"Fine, fine. Will that make you shut about the way I talk?" Hidan asked irritably.

"Yes."

"Okay then. As I was saying: ITACHI, YOU MOTHER FUDGER! YOU FUDGIN' DUMBFUDGE! FUDGE YOU, YOU HEAR ME?? _FUDGE YOU!!!_" Hidan bellowed into Itachi's face, feeling slightly foolish. He felt like he was ranting about chocolate instead of trying to curse at his teammate.

Wiping off Hidan's offending spit which had landed on his face during the angry outburst, he calmly stated, "I am only speaking the truth."

Deidara, who was in a very bad mood because several drunk men had come up to him-thinking that he was a girl-and asking him out, screamed, "HIDAN, ITACHI- KINDLY SHUT UP BEFORE I SHOVE SOME CLAY DOWN YOUR THROATS AND BLOW THEM UP, YEA!"

"You and what army, bitch?" Hidan spat.

Sasori, who was fed up with the pointless argument, knocked them out by banging their hands together. He sighed and smiled. _Peace at last, _he thought happily.

"That was completely unnecessary," Itachi uttered, glancing down at Hidan and Deidara, who were unconscious.

Sasori sighed again and swiftly knocked the Uchiha out, too.

"Does anyone else have something to say?" he questioned coldly.

The others shook their heads, shocked by the puppet master's sudden act of violence. Usually, Sasori only fought when he was in danger or in an actual match- not when people were merely annoying him.

"Dawgs, anyone up fo' some drinks?" Jay-Z inquired, holding up a tray of orange Martinis.

"Sure," Kisame and Kakuzu said, shrugging their shoulders and grabbing some off the tray.

"Jay-Z, can I get out of here? This loud noise is giving me a headache," Sasori groaned, rubbing his temples.

"Go fo' it, dawg," Jay-Z drawled.

Sasori made his way through the dancing crowd, trying to leave the horrendous place. However, a few girls in super short mini-skirts and tube tops blocked his way, smiling seductively.

"What's a good-looking man like you doing all by yourself in this place?" a blond girl asked, lowering her eyes and attempting to seduce him.

Sasori, staring at the numerous layers of eyeliner, eye-shadow, and mascara surrounding the rim of her eyes, merely gaped. It was as black and thick as the rims around Gaara's eyes.

"Bitch, get outta mah' way!" a brunette shouted, shoving the blonde aside. "Hi, my name's Katherine, but you can call me 'Kathy'," she smiled, leaning over to him and literally sticking her fake implants in front of his eyes.

Sasori, who was desperately trying not to rudely grimace in front of the scary, very disturbing skanks, averted his eyes to the floor.

"OH EM GEE, SLUTS!" a redheaded girl shrilled loudly, bumping the other two girls away. "He's a redhead, so he clearlylikes other redheads, _duh_!" she scoffed, flipping her hair.

"Um, I don't-"Sasori started to say, but the brunette interrupted: "Hey, don't listen to her. I know no guy can resist _this_," she smirked, pushing her abnormally huge boobs together and shoving him in front of the poor Akatsuki's member's face.

Sasori, who was now very frightened, started to back away, "Look, I really-"

He abruptly froze and stopped talking.

The blonde had flashed him.

Yes, she had taken off her skimpy top. What was even worse was that she didn't _have a bra underneath._

So yes, ladies and gentlemen- unfortunate Sasori was getting the full frontal view.

Gaping in horror, he clamped his eyes shut. No, it was not because he was gay, but it would've been disturbing for any non-perverted man.

Well, he could've been gay. No one knows for sure. But the next situation definitely proved he wasn't gay, either.

"Eww, slut alert!" a high-pitched male voice shouted from behind Sasori.

The redhead opened his eyes and turned around. A group of handsome, muscled men were behind him. Some had tattoos, some had numerous piercings, and some even had eyeliner on themselves, like they were women.

"Don't worry babe, we'll save you," a guy with spiked blond hair assured Sasori, winking at him.

Sasori shuddered slightly and took a deep breath. _It's just a dream, it's just a dream…_ he thought to himself over and over again.

A man with black hair and a lip ring slung his arm around Sasori's shoulder protectively.

_Holy crap, _Sasori thought, immediately stiffening. _What the hell is he doing?_

"Baby, we're here for you," the gay man breathed into his ear, his voice husky and deep.

_Holy jama llama, holy jama llama, holy jama llama… _he thought over and over again, now even _more _disturbed.

With his free arm, the guy took a key out of his pocket.

Puzzled, Sasori asked, "What's that key for?"

The man chuckled and replied, "For us, of course."

Sasori, not getting what the guy was implying, was joyous. A free hotel room? Everyone loves free stuff!

But, of course…'free' never actually means '_free'._

"I'm tired, so can we go up there now?" he asked, yawning.

The man laughed and grinned evilly. "Anything for you baby. But you gotta be on the bottom. I'm always on top."

_Bottom? Like the bottom bunk bed or something? _Sasori wondered, baffled. _What is he talking about? So cryptic…_

Poor Sasori. He had no idea what he was getting himself into.

The two men made their way up the stairs and into the hotel room.

Suddenly, something happened!

Well, of course _something _happened…uh, let me rephrase that:

Suddenly, something horrifying happed to Sasori! The most traumatic and shocking thing was going to hit him! Oh noez!

OH NOEZ!!!

(Cough.)

Sorry, moving on:

The perverted gay guy impulsively grabbed Sasori and pinned him down on the bed!

EW GROSS! DISGUSTING! REPULSIVE! HOW INAPPROPIATE!!!

Surprisingly, Sasori shouted something similar to what the narrator shouted:

"EW GROSS! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??? THIS IS DISGUSTING, REPULSIVE, AND VERY INAPPROPIATE!" Sasori shouted and screamed, kicking the pervert in the nuts and throwing him off onto the floor.

"WHAT THE SCHNITZEL WAS THAT FOR???" The guy cried, in extreme pain while trying to stand back up, clutching his balls.

"WELL, WHAT THE GAY RAISIN WAS _THAT _FOR? YOU WERE TRYING TO _RAPE_ ME, FUCKIN' SWEET MOTHER OF DANCING PENGUINS!" Sasori babbled stupidly, acting completely Out Of Character.

"WELL, I'M SORRY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE GAY, LIKE ME!" the guy yelled back, giving Sasori the 'bird'.

"WELL, EXCUSE _YOU_!" Sasori huffed, stomping out of the room and slamming the door behind him. After that he started acting even more Out Of Character and started crying.

"I'm so _alone_," he whined. "I'm going to go cut myself even though I didn't even get raped!"

So, he ran to the nearest restroom and for some reason, had a razor perfect for cutting. Slice, slice, and slice away at his arm! Oh, how _fun _and _joyful _this is!

Anyways, after he had sliced and diced his arm away, he laughed like a maniac and started drinking his own blood, like a famished vampire!

No, not really.

He just walked out of the bathroom and started crying again like the fake Emo he was, yelling, "I WANT MY MAMA!"

Oh my. That's even worse than drinking blood…or is it?

Anyways, we shall leave Sasori to his temporary Emo state. Let's go back to what Hidan's doing.

**x-H-I-D-A-N-x**

Hidan opened his eyes, blinking from the bright light. He was in some kind of apartment.

_Huh, that's weird, _he thought, sitting up and observing his surroundings. His shirt was missing, but he had everything else on including his hat, pants, shoes, and bling.

Hearing footsteps, he leapt out of bed and got into his fighting stance. Maybe a crazy lunatic had kidnapped him while he was sleeping.

Unfortunately for him, he was right. In the 20/20 club, there was a mad serial killer running loose. Obsessed with chainsaws and any other tools of torture, he found his victims randomly and they went down, one by one.

Hidan was one of them.

But of course, he's immortal- so don't worry about him dying.

The confused religious man raised his eyebrows when he saw a big, burly man, who had a dark mask covering his entire face but his eyes, and was grasping a whirring chainsaw in his arms, coming toward him.

"What the _fudge_?" Hidan breathed, backing away slowly.

Cackling, the madman stomped loudly toward Hidan, grabbing a pair of scissors from a nearby table.

"_Shit_," Hidan cursed when he had backed into a corner. He was trapped.

"Don't worry, it won't take _that _long," the masked man sneered evilly.

Clutching the scissors in his hand, the man snapped it in half and used one of the blades to draw a long line across his right cheek.

"I've always hated pretty boys," he growled. "They were so conceited, so loved. But your face won't be so pretty after this," he laughed madly, drawing another line, this time on his forehead.

_Well, this isn't so bad, _Hidan thought. _Just a few little cuts so far…_

That was when the chainsaw started whirring again.

_Oh shit, never mind._

Off went Hidan's left arm. Oh no!

Off went Hidan's right arm. Oh no again!

"Yay for blood!" the masked man cheered happily.

"Ahh, that fudgin' hurts!" Hidan swore loudly, grimacing in pain.

Pausing, the insane murdered looked at him oddly. "Wait- aren't you supposed to be like, _screaming _right now?"

"Uh, sure," Hidan shrugged. "Ohh, the pain, the _pain_," he cried, acting horribly.

"Oh yea?" the man cried, frustrated with Hidan's lack of panic. "I'll show you _real _pain!"

Turning off his chainsaw, he grabbed a bloody fork out of his pocket and stuck it in Hidan's eye! Ouch, that must've hurt.

"Mmm, _pain_. Jashin, this is for you! Accept my pain as an offering!" Hidan shouted, feeling the presence of his god. Instead of being in pain, he was in ecstacy, overwhelmed with happiness. Wow, it's amazing what religion can do for your soul!

Shaking with anger and frustration, the chainsaw man took out some nails and a hammer from his pocket. "WHY WON'T YOU SCREAM???" he roared irately, sticking a nail in Hidan's chest and pounding it in deeper with his hammer.

As more and more nails went in, the happier Hidan felt.

"YES, YES! I SEE YOU! THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE, JASHIN, PLEASE STAY WITH ME!" Hidan exclaimed. The connection between him and Jashin was feeling stronger than it had ever felt before.

"NO, NO, NO! SCREAM WITH PAIN, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???" the outraged chainsaw dude howled, now sticking pencils, pens, and scissors in Hidan's body. Then, he bashed Hidan's bloody body with a hammer, creating colorful bruises everywhere.

"YES, MORE, MORE! OH, YES! HARDER, YOU CALL THAT HAMMERING?? HARDER, HARDER!!!" Hidan screamed, sounding very _wrong_, if you know what I mean.

The neighbors, unable to fall asleep, had contacted the police not too long ago. The cops were there now, sirens blaring outside the building.

Busting through the door, the police officers ordered sternly, "Drop your weapons!"

The chainsaw man was mad, of course, so he just stared at them dumbly.

The police officer sighed and shot him without hesitation. After all, he was holding a bloody chainsaw and had a dark mask on. How much more suspicious could you get?

Anyways, after he fell, Hidan was now visible to the cops. Since the serial killer was standing right in front of him, his big frame was covering him completely. After he fell, the police gaped in horror.

Hidan had both of his arms chopped off, had nails, pens, pencils, and scissors wedged into his body, and was covered with various cuts and bruises.

"Oh my God," a female officer breathed, her eyes filling with tears.

Since the sudden pain had stopped, Hidan had stopped smiling and was now looking worn out and sad. Therefore, the police officers mistook his forlorn expression as a traumatized person instead of a person who was merely tired after his joyous reunion with his god.

Hidan, just now noticing the five officers standing in the doorway, let a tear trickle down his face.

"It's over," he breathed sadly.

The police officers, mistaking his statement 'It's over' as in, 'The torture is over', instead of 'My meeting with Jashin is over', started crying themselves. _The poor, poor man_, they had thought. _Why hadn't we come here sooner? _

"Someone, call the ambulance," a male officer cried, wiping away his tears and trying to regain his composure.

"Of course," the female cop nodded sorrowfully, typing in '911' and ordering an ambulance immediately.

The other cops ran up to Hidan and removed the pens, pencils, and scissors carefully, trying not to damage him anymore.

"Wait, if we pull them out, won't he lose even more blood?" one officer asked.

"Yea, but think about the lead and ink poisoning. That's worse," another officer answered wisely.

"Ahh, I see," he nodded, pulling out some more pens.

"Damn, that hurts," Hidan muttered, scowling.

"Think of a happy place," one of the cops suggested, taking pity on him.

"Do I look like I'm in fudgin' Kindergarten or something? Seriously, man."

The officer, who was puzzled with the term 'fudgin', frowned. Maybe the man was going mad from the torture and pain he had gone through.

Hearing loud sirens blaring outside, the police officers concluded that it was the ambulance. They carried Hidan carefully out the blood-stained apartment, and the medics wheeled a stretcher to them.

"Ouch, what the hell happened?" one of them questioned, astonished at the countless wounds Hidan had.

"Chainsaw lunatic," a cop replied shortly, unable to look at Hidan's mutated body any longer.

"Damn, that must've hurt," the medic whistled, examining his wounds while placing the stretcher into the van.

"Of course it didn't," another medic added sarcastically.

"Hahah, _very funny_," the previous medic glared back, sticking a needle, which had a thin tube attached to it, into Hidan's arm.

"Man, you PMSing or something?" he asked, placing an oxygen mask over Hidan's mouth.

"I'm not a girl. Geez, Dave, you at least know _that _much," the 'PMSing' man shot back, sticking another needle into Hidan's arm.

"Shut up, Mike. You know I'm smarter than you," Dave scoffed.

"Yea, right. Stop joking and shut up," Mike huffed.

Hidan, fed up with the irritating bickering, stated, "If _you _two don't shut up, I will rip out your vocal cords. That'll make you shut up."

Mike and Dave, shocked by this threat, said, "You know, I think you kinda deserved that torture."

"Ouch, you hurt my feelings," Hidan said sarcastically.

"Wait, aren't you supposed to be dead by now?" Dave asked, raising and eyebrow.

"I'm immortal," Hidan informed him calmly.

The two medics laughed at this and said, "Yea, and we're black."

They paused and looked at each other.

"Dave, we _are _black," Mike told his friend.

Dave glanced at his dark brown skin and said, "Crap, we are."

Hidan sighed. What retards.

After that conversation, the two medics kept quiet until the vehicle arrived in front of the hospital.

Some nurses and a doctor ran out of the building and helped wheel Hidan into the hospital.

"Damn, what happened to him?" the doctor asked while opening the door to the emergency room.

"Chainsaw lunatic."

"Ahh, I see."

"Where are you people taking me?" Hidan asked, no longer feeling any pain.

"The emergency room. We have to clean your wounds with alcohol and sterilize them, so they won't get any infections. Then, we have to stitch some of your cuts together, because of them are really deep. Afterwards, we have to take care of your arms. Well, actually…you don't have any arms. But you know what I mean," the doctor said.

Was that supposed to be a joke? And clean his wounds with alcohol? That stuff hurt more than actually receiving the wound itself!

"Guys, I don't need medical care. Do you have my arms with you?" Hidan asked.

"What? Don't be ridiculous! And yes, we have your arms with us," Mike replied, astounded. What a crazy man! Maybe the great amount of blood loss had affected his way of thinking.

"Where are they?" Hidan demanded.

"What?" Dave asked, confused.

"I'm talking about my arms, idiot. Where the hell are they?"

"They're right beside you," one of the nurses informed him quietly.

Hidan looked to his side, and sure enough, there they were.

He sat up, bit one of them, and stuck it between his legs. Then, he opened his mouth and clamped it on the other arm.

The stretcher stopped rolling because the doctor, nurses, and medics were gaping at him.

"Ew, what the hell are you doing?" Mike inquired, backing away.

Hidan, unable to reply because of his arm in his mouth, wriggled himself off the stretched and started hopping toward the exit with his arm between his legs.

"Catch him!" the doctor cried.

But everyone was too stunned to move. I mean, how often was it that you saw a chainsaw victim hopping away from the stretcher with an arm clamped between his teeth and legs?

By the time everyone was able to process what was going on, Hidan was long gone, hopping his way back to the 20/20 club. The hospital and the apartment weren't too far from it, and since it was very dark outside, not many people were out on the streets.

After all, there had been a warning on the news about a crazy serial killer being out on the loose.

**x-H-O-T-E-L-x**

When Hidan made it back to the hotel and Sasori had stopped being Emo, they found everyone else waiting for them patiently in the men's restroom.

"What the hell happened?" Kakuzu asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Ch-ahh-eehn Sa-ahh Keeh-ler," Hidan said, muffled by the arm in his mouth.

Kakuzu reached over and took the arm out of his jaws.

Hidan sighed and repeated, "Chainsaw killer. He tortured me and I escaped." He didn't like explaining the whole story, so he skipped the description and the part about the police and the hospital.

"Why are you so calm?" Itachi inquired monotonously.

"Why are youso calm?" Hidan mocked back.

"…never mind," he sighed, discreetly rolling his eyes.

"Hey guys, I know this is random, but haven't you noticed that we've all been acting more Out Of Character than we ever had, yea?" Deidara questioned.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Hidan scoffed.

"Well, I think everyone but you have," the blonde stated.

"Huh?" Hidan questioned, still baffled.

"Forget it."

"Hidan, want me to sew your arms back on for you?" Kakuzu asked.

"See? Kakuzu's acting totally Out Of Character right now, yea!" Deidara exclaimed.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kakuzu inquired.

"You never offer to sew anyone's limbs back on. We always have to beg you to, yea."

"Oh, yea. Well, I got tired of that, I guess," he stated.

Deidara shook his head. No one was themselves, except for maybe Hidan. But he was always crazy, even without being Out Of Character.

"Yo, wattap my homies?" Jay-Z asked, entering the bathroom. "Why you all in here?"

"We were waiting for you," Itachi replied coldly.

"I was dancin' with some bitches, ya hear me?"

"Bitches?" Kisame asked, puzzled. Why couldn't the leader just say 'girls' or 'women'?

"Straight up, G."

"What does the 'G' stand for?" Sasori asked, suddenly curious.

"Hey man, no questions, a'ight? Let's just go back to our crib."

No one had any objections, as they were just as tired as he was.

"We're not coming back here, right?" Sasori questioned, still slightly disturbed by the 'incident'.

"'Course we are, dawg. Don't be playin'!"

"Damn…" he swore under breath. Man, he hated this place.

"By the way, where are we anyway, yea?"

"New York City, fo'sho!" Jay-Z answered loudly before ripping a portal open and jumping in.

The other Akatsuki member shook their heads sadly before entering in themselves.

At this hip-hoppin' rate, they would _never _take over the world.

**x-E-N-D-x**

Hope you guys found that funny, or at least a little amusing... O.o

Please review- tell me what was funny, spazz out, laugh, add text faces, whatever.

Because it makes me very, very happy. :)


	5. Chapter 5: Wednesday

Disclaimer: I realized that I haven't done the disclaimer yet! Oh no! I _do _own Naruto... **in my dreams. **Got you, didn't I? Muahahahaha!!!

**Warning for this chapter:** contains random dialouge and profanity. This chapter is mostly made up of the characters talking and doing nothing else...

Man, they should really go outside and get some exercise! But don't worry... **I'll have them go to Konoha or Suna next chapter!**

Oh crap, did I just spoil my own story? **NooOOoooOOoooOooooooOOOOOoooo!!!** T.T

**Thanks to my precious, awesome reviewers:**

_reanalee, Ocean-Eyed Wolf, keanadee, steffy1992, Andrea Stein, Kimimaros-Angel, poopontoast123, Fr0ggy, Hisana Kuchiki, blackSMILES, SweetStealer, Eat, firefly, Aurora Marija, NaokiUchiha, vigoreyes, Riley Killer, Goddess of Tragedy, xXUrbanRegalityXx, EcoliandDaChihuahua, darkangel-iticha'sgurl118, and Shmoo._

**YOU GUYS ARE OFF THE HOOK! XD**

_**Word.**_

* * *

Wednesday

"WAKE UP MOTHAFUCKA'S! TODAY'S A NEW DAY FOR US NIGGS, FO'SHO!" the wake-up call blared loudly, hurting poor Zetsu's ears.

"Ouch," The white side of Zetsu's face winced, rubbing his temples. It felt like his head was being crushed by an invisible hand.

"Dammit, that motha' fuckin' alarm is pissing me off," the black-side of his face growled, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

Zetsu got out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom, still feeling dead tired.

Hoping the cold water would snap him to his senses, he splashed some on his face, shivering from the cold wetness. Then, he brushed his teeth, combed his hair, and tinkled in the toilet.

"Refreshing," Whitey, the white-side of Zetsu's face, sighed contently.

"Damn right," Blackie, the black-side, smirked.

Zetsu stripped down to his underwear and slipped on a fresh pair of black basketball shorts. He was getting used to the 'Hip-Hop' style of clothing now. He then buttoned on a white, long-sleeved shirt. It didn't exactly match with his pants, but since he had his Venus fly-trap thingy in the way, he was only able to wear button-on shirts.

He pulled on a pair of white socks and stepped into his black Nike shoes. They were so comfortable, and he could almost _swear _that they enabled him to run faster than the normal ninja shoes he usually wore. Why hadn't everyone dressed like this?

He snatched a black baseball cap off the clothes rack and put it on, turning it sideways. Spotting his shiny silver grills on his desk, he picked them on and slipped them on his teeth carefully.

"Damn, even I want to fuck myself!" Blackie exclaimed, whistling at himself when he saw himself in the mirror.

"We do look good," Whitey smiled cheerily. "And Zetsu, don't forget to feed Sunny."

Sunny was a sunflower that Zetsu secretly kept in his room. Sunny was his girlfriend, but _quiet_-keep it a secret!

What people also didn't know about Zetsu was that he had not two, but _four _personalities. He had his bipolar personality, which was like two, actually, and his normal personality.

Whitey and Blackie, who existed on his face, were his bipolar one.

His normal one only existed in his mind. They were like three different people in the same body.

The fourth one, however, was completely hidden deep inside the disturbing depths of his mind. It was the crazy, random one that everyone had deep inside them.

The fourth one communicated with Whitey, Blackie, and Zetsu occasionally. It frightened them very much, with its sudden, wacky mood swings. The fourth one's name was…

Can you guess?

Can you think of a name so random, so weird, and so freaky, that you wouldn't have thought of it _ever_, if you hadn't take crack or some other type of hyped-up drug?

_Can you?_

The fourth personality's name was…

Well, just to create some good suspense that's supposed to exist in every story, I'll tell you guys later.

Now, to continue with the story!

Zetsu, now fully dressed, ran to the dining room, was famished. He was one of those people who woke up early everyday for no reason.

The people in the Akatsuki who did this were only him and Itachi. Hidan, Deidara, Sasori, Tobi, Kisame, and Jay-Z slept in like logs.

Actually, Hidan did wake up early, but he only did it to pray to Jashin for about an hour.

Then he went back to sleep, conked out for another three hours.

So that doesn't count.

As I was saying, Zetsu was heading to the kitchen to find some food.

He saw Itachi hunched over the table reading a book.

Leaning over a little to peer at what kind of book he was reading, he wasn't surprised to find the Uchiha prodigy reading a very, _very _thick novel.

The words were _tiny_, and each of the pages was so thin, they were almost transparent.

Wait a minute… what kind of novel was he reading? Zetsu was very curious now.

"Hey, Itachi…what book is that, may I ask?" Whitey questioned politely.

Itachi, knowing that Zetsu rarely asked questions, was mildly surprised. He just paused for a moment, wondering why in the world everyone in the Akatsuki was acting Out Of Character.

"Itachi, I just asked you a fucking question, fucking dumbass," Blackie snapped impatiently.

"The Bible, of course," Itachi replied calmly, ignoring the rude insults that were just thrown at him.

Zetsu froze. What had he said? What the _fuck_?

"Holy shit," Whitey swore for the first time, appalled.

"That's my line, dumbass," Blackie stated, staring at Itachi wide-eyed.

"I do not understand what is so bewildering about this," Itachi said monotonously, closing the Bible coolly.

"You're reading the Bible, that's why," Whitey whimpered, positive that the Apocalypse was going to come soon.

"Fuck! What the _fuck_ is fucking happening to all the fucking _fuckers_ in this _fucked-up_ organization?" Blackie growled angrily.

"Were those words really necessary?" Itachi asked, wincing slightly. Zetsu's black-side cursed as much as Hidan did.

"Fuck you, motherfucker, I can talk however the way I fucking want to talk."

"Blackie, calm down," Whitey sighed.

"Yea, yea. Anyways, what the fuck are you doing, reading the Bible at five o' clock in the morning, Itachi?"

Itachi cleared his throat and informed him, "I have accepted Jesus Christ as my father and savior."

"Damn, I can just _feel _the Apocalypse coming, Whitey," Blackie groaned, rubbing his temple stressfully.

"Oh shush. We should be happy for him, Blackie," Whitey stated cheerfully. "So you're reading the Bible to try to learn more about your god, right?"

"Yes, that is correct," Itachi nodded.

"Wait-when did this whole thing happen?" Blackie inquired.

"Yesterday. I was browsing some websites, and-"

"Wait, _websites_? When'd you get a fucking computer?" Blackie cut in, baffled.

"I actually got a laptop, not a computer. I bought it yesterday, while we were in New York," he explained.

"Oh, I see. Continue, please," Whitey smiled gently.

Itachi nodded, and continued: "I went to Google, the search engine, and typed in 'religion'."

"Why the fuck did you type in 'religion'?" Blackie interrupted again, very rudely.

Itachi glared at him. "Do you want to hear the story, or not?"

"I do, I do!" Whitey exclaimed cheerily.

"Fine, sorry. Go on, then," Blackie commanded, glaring at Whitey out of the corner of his eye.

"I typed in 'religion', because I was hoping it would save me from this Hell I was in. The leader has been particularly disturbing lately, as you may have noticed. I'm assuming he's Satan in disguise. Anyways, I clicked on a link that read 'Christianity'. I read about the Ten Commandments, and the story of Jesus. It seemed so _right_, for some reason. Therefore, from that day on, I have accepted Christianity into my life," Itachi sighed wearily, exhausted from saying so much in one breath.

"Wow, that's the most you've ever said," Whitey told him, flabbergasted.

"Damn right," Blackie agreed.

"All I need to do now is find a good church and buy a crucifix that I can hang around my neck," Itachi stated calmly.

"Wait-you do know that you can't kill anyone anymore, right Itachi?" Whitey asked nervously.

"Yes, I am aware of that," he replied coolly.

"Well, you totally fucked it up already, because you totally _massacred _your fucking family," Blackie informed him, raising an eyebrow.

"No, no. I asked for forgiveness, and according to the Bible, he has forgiven me already," Itachi informed him. "That's what's so fantastic about this religion."

Blackie gave him an odd look. "Wow, I've never heard you say 'fantastic' before. I think your mind's officially more fucked-up than it was before."

"Yea, I know. Fantastic, isn't it?" Itachi smiled.

Yes, he _smiled_. Not a little one, but one of those big, _freaky ones_.

"Oh shit, he's fucking possessed, isn't he Whitey?" Blackie gaped, backing away slowly.

"Stop acting so juvenile. I've discovered something wonderful, and I'm merely happy, that's all," Itachi explained, beaming happily.

"Shit, oh fuck, we're screwed," Blackie cried, horrified.

"Stop cussing so much, Blackie. It's not going to make the situation any better," Whitey sighed, rolling his eye.

Itachi sighed, rubbing his temples. He couldn't understand what was so wrong with him accepting some good, moralistic religion into his life!

Zetsu fled from the Uchiha, afraid that Itachi would spontaneously combust from the amount of 'Out-Of-Character-ness' he was absorbing.

"Shit, I think I wet my pants," Blackie groaned, feeling his groin area.

"Ugh, disgusting! Blackie, couldn't you hold it?" Whitey grimaced, gagging at the damp feeling.

"But he scared the fucking bazooka out of me!" he exclaimed, whimpering.

**"Guys, calm down," **Zetsu commanded sternly.

"Did you even _see _him, Zetsu?" Blackie shouted wildly, flailing his arms.

**"Yes, I did. I think it's a good thing that Itachi has accepted religion into his life. Now, I won't be constantly afraid of him and his Sharingan."**

"Frankly, I'd rather have the Sharingan," Blackie whined.

"Geez shut up Blackie. Zetsu and I aren't as scared as you are, and we're usually the ones who cower in the face of danger," Whitey pointed out, fed up with Blackie's childish behavior.

**"Yea, seriously- shut the fuck up, Blackie."**

"Fuck you all! You're supposed to tremble in horror with me, fucking faggots!" Blackie cursed, throwing a temper tantrum once they entered their dorm.

**"Okay, I'm going to switch with you guys. Blackie's ruining my reputation," **Zetsu said, giving Blackie the evil eye.

"What? You're going to come out in the real world instead of hiding in your mind?" Whitey asked, astounded.

**"You didn't have to put it that way," **Zetsu frowned.

"Well, at least you're more normal than Blackie. Why haven't you done this before?"

**"Because my mind is a comfortable place; it's where I communicate with you while I watch Bleach on my 60-inch television, remember?" **Zetsu smirked.

"Oh, right. Wait-you know how to switch?"

**"Yea, I've known since the day I was born."**

"Wait, so when Blackie and I go inside your mind, you'll come outside it, right?"

**"Duh."**

"So that means our faces will switch…"

**"Yea, what's your point?"**

"The other Akatsuki members don't know how your real face looks like."

**"What are you…oh; I see what you're saying."**

"Yea, your real face looks way different from my face and Blackie's put together. Your face isn't going to be black-and-white anymore."

**"Yea and my face is way better looking than you guys."**

"Yea, true. Wait, what the heck?"

**"Haha, just kidding."**

"Okay, well we should switch now. If there's too much dialogue, the readers will get bored."

**"Huh? Readers? What the fuck are you talking about?"**

"Never mind-just do it."

**"Okay, here I go."**

There was a bright flash from Zetsu's body. His Venus fly-trap receded into his body, and a smooth, peachy layer of skin replaced the black-and-white skin on his face.

His hair was now a darker, more attractive green, and his bangs grew to form a more stylish haircut. The sides of his hair grew a couple inches, too, causing the locks to flip out at the sides, a little like Sasori's.

His ears suddenly had numerous holes in them, and in them were a bunch of silver and gold studs and hoops.

His eyes, which used to be light yellow and pupil-less, were now a pure gold color with a dark, ebony pupil in the center, with dark green lines radiating from them, like rays from the sun.

His lips, which also used to be black-and-white, now had a shade of light pink.

Zetsu was _gorgeous_.

"Damn, you're-"Whitey started to say, but Blackie, of course, interrupted.

"You're fucking smexy," Blackie gaped, peering at Zetsu's reflection in the mirror from his mind.

"_Smexy_? Is that even an actual word?" Zetsu asked, raising a perfect, dark emerald eyebrow.

"It is now," Blackie smirked cockily.

"Uh, thanks, I guess…" Zetsu said, hoping that his other personality wasn't crushing on him. That would be like him hitting on _himself_.

Man, how disturbing was _that_?

Anyways, after gathering up the courage to go outside his room, Zetsu timidly opened the door and stuck his head out to see if anyone was outside. Looking from afar, he spotted Itachi, who was still reading the Bible quietly, with Hidan, Deidara, Kakuzu, Kisame, Tobi, and Sasori eating breakfast hungrily. Damn, they were all there. The leader was probably still sleeping in his room.

His stomach growled. He was hungry, but he didn't want to go out in the dining room and get breakfast.

He took off his button-on shirt, and tugged on a long-sleeved black sweatshirt that had a hoodie attached to it.

He took a deep breath, lowered his black cap to cover half of his face, and pulled his hood onto his cap, covering his face even more. The only parts of his face that were visible now were his chin and his lips.

Oh well.

He slowly walked out and closed the door behind him.

Hidan and Deidara glanced over, sensing movement.

"Zetsu, why the fudge are you hiding half your face for?" Hidan asked loudly, since Zetsu was far away from the dining room.

Zetsu calmly walked to the kitchen, ignoring Hidan's question.

_Oh man, this was so weird, _he thought to himself.

"Hey, your chin isn't black-and-white anymore!" Tobi cried happily. "Did you finally wipe the paint off or something?"

Well, at least Tobi was dumb.

"Wait-you're not really Zetsu, are you?" Kisame inquired, staring at Zetsu after he had finished his breakfast.

Zetsu chuckled nervously and stuttered, "Of c-c-course I am..."

Now _everyone _was looking at him oddly.

"Now that you mention it Kisame, he doesn't seem like Zetsu. His skin is a shade of apricot now, instead of the weird black-and-white color it used to be," Kakuzu observed, now suspicious.

"You guys do know that I can hear you, right?" Zetsu questioned calmly, peering at their faces from the rim of his cap.

"Yea, I guess," Hidan shrugged.

"Okay, I admit it. I'm Zetsu," I sighed.

The others looked at me oddly.

"We just said that you're _not _him," Kisame said slowly, as if Zetsu was mentally challenged.

"Yea, I know. But I _am _him. The black-and-white faces that appear on my face are Blackie and Whitey, my split personalities," I explained.

"You mean 'face', not 'faces'," Sasori corrected him.

"Whatever," Zetsu huffed, and then continued: "I live in my mind, but I decided to switch with them today because Blackie was scared of Itachi."

"What?" Tobi asked, baffled.

"Yea, it's kind of a long story. You see, I live in my mind. Blackie and Whitey live on my face."

"Wow, that sounds fucked-up," Hidan stated, widening his eyes.

"Well, I'm fucked-up. Deal with it."

"That was blunt, yea," Deidara scowled, wondering why how Zetsu became even weirder than he was before.

"Anyways, I have three personalities: me, Blackie, and Whitey. Since Blackie and Whitey live on my face, and I live in my mind, we can switchplaces, _understand_?"

"Oh, I get it!" Hidan exclaimed. "So you switched places with Blackie and Whitey, so_ they're_ in _your_ _mind_, and _you're_ on _your_ _face_, right?"

"Yep," Zetsu nodded, pleased that at least _one _of them understood.

"What?" Sasori asked, horrified.

"So you guys believe that I'm really Zetsu, right?" Zetsu questioned, hoping the answer was 'yes'.

"Yea, so you can take off that hat now," Kakuzu stated calmly.

Zetsu grabbed his hoodie and pulled it down. Then, he gripped the rim of his cap and took it off.

"Holy-"Hidan started to say, astounded.

"Sweet mother of-"Kisame uttered quietly.

"Oh my-"Tobi gaped, covering his mouth with his hand.

"Zetsu, what the-"Sasori

"Dear God-"Kakuzu squeaked.

"Shit!" Kisame swore impulsively.

"Damn, I never knew you were this sexy, Zetsu, yea," Deidara whispered, his eyes full of lust.

Everyone looked at him oddly. What the fudge?

"Deidara, you're _gay_?" Zetsu cried, his eyes bulging from their sockets.

"Oh crap, yea," Deidara blushed, mortified. His secret was out to the world!

"How troublesome," Itachi muttered.

"Oh my God, you're turning into that Nara kid!" Kakuzu exclaimed.

"What do you mean?" he asked, perplexed.

"You know, Shikamaru. From the Nara clan, I think. He always says 'how troublesome'," Kakuzu explained.

"Just because I say it one time doesn't mean anything," Itachi said coldly.

"It might mean that you were having hot, heavy make-out sessions with him behind our backs," Zetsu suggested.

Now everyone looked at _him _oddly.

"Excuse me?" Itachi choked out, shocked. He was actually showing some emotion for once!

"It was just my opinion…" Zetsu told him, sighing heavily.

"Damn, do you think about those kinds of thing everyday or something?" Hidan inquired, raising his eyebrow.

"What do you mean?" Zetsu questioned.

"Perverted stuff," Hidan replied.

"Of course I think about perverted stuff," Zetsu shrugged.

The others gaped at him.

Zetsu scoffed. "I bet you guys do, too. I mean, at least I admit it."

Deidara, Tobi, Itachi, Kisame, Kakuzu, Sasori, and Hidan looked at one another and sighed.

"Yep, we're all perverted," Kisame said.

"Even Itachi," Sasori nodded.

"Well, excuse _you_," Itachi frowned, raising an eyebrow.

"Why do you guys always do that?" Kakuzu suddenly asked.

"Do what?" Hidan inquired, raising an eyebrow.

"That!" he shouted, pointing at Hidan, acting very, _very _Out Of Character.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"That, you know, with the eyebrow raising!" Kakuzu bellowed, running out of patience.

"This?" Hidan inquired, raising his eyebrow.

"Stop raising your eyebrow!" Kakuzu yelled angrily.

"What's wrong with raising your eyebrow?" Sasori asked, raising his eyebrow.

"Oh my God, now _everyone's _doing it!" he growled, gritting his teeth.

"Stop using God's name in vain. Say 'Oh my goodness,' instead of 'Oh my God'," Itachi sighed.

"But 'Oh my goodness' sounds so _gay_," Kakuzu whined, stretching the word 'gay' out.

"Stop using the word 'gay'!" Deidara cried feeling very offended.

"Gay, gay, _gay_," Kakuzu repeated over and over, just to tick the artist off.

"Why you-"Deidara threatened, lunging at Kakuzu.

Zetsu quickly ran over to Deidara and grabbed the back of his shirt, preventing him from reaching Kakuzu in time.

Deidara slapped Zetsu's hand, causing Zetsu to release his hand very quickly.

"Ouch, what the fuck was that for?" Zetsu hissed, cradling his hand.

"Man, you guys are harsh to homosexual men, yea," Deidara complained sadly.

As soon as he said that, the others immediately felt guilty for being against gay males.

Hidan, however, was not so sympathetic.

"It's not my fault you're a fag," Hidan smirked evilly.

"That was uncalled for," Itachi stated coldly, glaring at Hidan. "We are all equal, no matter what our sexuality may be."

Hidan paused and looked at the Uchiha.

"You know what?" Hidan questioned, frowning.

"What?" Itachi asked.

Hidan suddenly laughed. Sasori scowled. He didn't think the issue of homosexuality was very funny.

"Hidan, why are you such a dick, yea?" Deidara sighed despairingly.

"I'm only being a dick because you're a fag," Hidan replied calmly.

Itachi stepped in again.

"Hidan, what do you have against homosexuals?" he questioned menacingly.

Hidan froze. Everyone looked at him curiously.

"What is it?" Kakuzu inquired.

The religious man now looked very uncomfortable. His face was twitching madly.

"What the fuck is wrong?" Kisame growled.

"It's nothing," Hidan whispered, looking disturbed.

"Why are you acting like a little boy who just got raped?" Zetsu asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Stop raising your eyebrow!" Kakuzu yelled impulsively.

"Is it because you don't have any?" Tobi chirped innocently, not having any intention of insulting him. Unfortunately, he did.

"Shut the fuck up, Tobi!" Kakuzu roared, walking up to the masked man and whacking him on the head _hard_.

Tobi: Knock-out.

Poor Tobi…

Zetsu coughed. "Anyways, what happened, Hidan?"

Hidan's body started twitching now. "Nothing."

"Tell us. It's not like we'll tell everyone we know," Kisame stated.

Hidan sighed. "You're right."

"Yea, we are. So hurry up and tell us, for Pete's sake!" Kakuzu snapped impatiently.

"I…" Hidan started to say.

"Yea, yea? Come on, out with it!" Kisame huffed, stomping his feet.

"I got…molested," he choked out, grimacing.

The whole room was silent. Everyone was still, frozen with complete and utter shock.

"What…the…_fuck_?" Sasori gaped.

"Yea, this scary fag came up to me and knocked me out. Next thing I know, I wake up and find all of my clothes gone," Hidan sighed sadly.

"That's messed up," Zetsu said.

"You think, yea?" Deidara questioned sarcastically.

"Hidan, are you serious?" Itachi asked, actually pitying the religious man. He had never pitied before-_ever_. You know Uchiha Itachi.

So when he feels sorry for someone, you know it's serious.

The moment of silence was ruined when Hidan suddenly exploded with laughter.

"AHAHAHAHA! THE EXPRESSION ON YOUR FACES IS FUCKING HILARIOUS, HAHAHAHAHA!!!" he cackled, clutching his stomach with agony from laughing so hard.

Everyone froze and glared with him, their eyes now filled with antipathy.

"I am _never_ going to pity anyone _ever again_," Itachi said heavily, his voice thick with anger and hate.

"Same," Zetsu growled, looking as if he was ready to strangle Hidan any second.

"So you really didn't get raped, yea?" Deidara asked.

"No," Hidan admitted, still grinning.

"Wait- so why do you hate gay people?" Sasori inquired, baffled again.

"Because they're queer, I guess," Hidan shrugged.

"Fucking bastard," Itachi execrated, his tone of voice now thickening even more and dripping with venom.

"Damn Itachi, what the hell got into you?" Zetsu cried, surprised by the amount of emotions the Uchiha was expressing.

"I'm a Christian, remember? Covering your emotions makes you feel superior to others. Therefore, I'm expressing them in order to be humble," he explained.

"Wait-I thought you were supposed to control your anger and love everyone," Sasori thought aloud, befuddled.

Itachi paused for a moment, and said, "You're right."

"How'd you know about that, Sasori?" Tobi asked, suddenly awake and fully recovered from the recent knock-out he had received earlier from Kisame.

Sasori shrugged. "Maybe it's because I visited Hell, and picked up some info there."

"When'd you go to Hell?" Hidan asked curiously.

"Well, I certainly didn't go to Heaven," he replied, shrugging.

"So, how was it?" Kisame grunted.

"Have you ever seen the movie, 'Silent Hill'?" Sasori suddenly inquired.

Kakuzu looked at him strangely. "What's that have to do with Hell?"

"Well, have you or have you not?" he questioned again impatiently.

Kakuzu nodded, smirking. "It was friggin' awesome."

"That's only because you look like one of the monsters in the movie," Kisame teased meanly.

"So do you," Sasori stated coolly.

Itachi chuckled softly.

Deidara looked at him as if he had just sprouted another head. "Ew, did you just _chuckle_?"

The Uchiha stared at him. "Yea, so?"

Hidan grimaced. "Ugh, that's fucking disturbing, seriously."

"Fucking racist," Itachi spat, glaring at Hidan.

The others looked at him, blinking.

"Wait, where did 'racist' come from?" Sasori asked, completely baffled.

"You guys are treating me differently because I'm Asian, right?" Itachi questioned, frowning.

"Aren't we all Asian?" Kisame asked aloud.

Kakuzu nodded while Hidan shook his head furiously.

"Why are you shaking your head, Hidan?" Sasori inquired, raising his eyebrow.

"Oh, the eyebrow-raising! It burns!" Kakuzu cried, groaning.

"Oh my God, there's seriously something wrong with you, yea," Deidara sighed, shaking his head sadly.

"Shut up, Kakuzu! No one cares about the eyebrow-raising but you!" Sasori yelled, who was beginning to lose his temper.

There was a brief second of silence, and then Tobi said:

"Are you Korean then, Hidan?"

Everyone twitched.

"What…the…_fuck_?" Hidan questioned, appalled.

"No, seriously Hidan-where're you from?" Sasori asked for the second time.

"Germany," Hidan replied proudly.

Kakuzu gaped at him. "Seriously?"

"Yea," he answered.

"Wait, there's something wrong with this," Itachi thought aloud, being the genius that he was.

"What is it?" Kisame asked.

"There _is _no Germany."

"Holy crap, you're right, yea!" Deidara cried.

"So where the hell did Korea come from?" Hidan asked Tobi.

"Yea, why not Thailand or Indonesia?" Itachi asked. "Racists," he quickly added after his question.

"Hey, what the hell are we talking about?" Kakuzu cut in, confused.

"I'm from Ireland," Sasori suddenly announced.

"And I'm from China," Tobi chirped cheerfully.

Now everyone was declaring where they were from.

"I'm from Japan," Itachi stated monotonously.

"I'm from America, yea," Deidara put in.

"I'm from Germany," Hidan repeated.

"I'm from Brazil," Zetsu proclaimed.

"I'm from North Korea," Kakuzu smiled evilly.

"And I'm from the Atlantic Ocean… Kakuzu, isn't North Korea that Communist country?" Kisame inquired.

Kakuzu nodded.

"Oh, so _that's _why you love money so much!" Hidan exclaimed, finally understanding.

"How random," Sasori said.

"Yo' mama's random, foo'!" a mysterious voice cackled.

"Jay-Z, is that you?" Zetsu inquired, already knowing the answer.

"Fo'sho'!" the leader bellowed, hopping out from behind. "Wattap mah' homies?"

"You finally woke up," Itachi said coldly, "that took you awhile."

"Speaking of sleeping," Zetsu started to say, "I'm going back to bed."

Hidan glanced at the clock. "Shit, it's eleven already?"

Kisame sighed. He had just wasted an entire day talking.

"What a boring chapter this was," Kakuzu sighed.

"Oh, Kakuzu…you're so cryptic sometimes, yea," Deidara smiled, heading back to his room.

Hidan, Kisame, Tobi, and Zetsu also departed the kitchen, going to their dorms.

Kakuzu raised an eyebrow and went back to his room, suddenly very weary.

Sasori, noticing this, asked Itachi, "Hey, did you see that?"

"See what?" Itachi questioned.

"Kakuzu just raised his eyebrow," he replied.

"So?" Itachi asked, not understanding what Sasori was saying.

"…never mind," Sasori sighed, shaking his head, and left, leaving Itachi all alone with Jay-Z.

Itachi, realizing this, shuddered and quickly retreated to his comfy haven, falling asleep as soon as he hit the mattress of his bed.

* * *

Yay, I finally figured out to how to put that line thingy in my story. Do you see it? It's right above here. The line that goes across the screen. Yes, the light beige one.

Sorry this chapter was so boring. My life's so hectic- I'm struggling just to find time to write this. It's 11 pages long, though. I sincerely hope it satisfies you. :D

Also, I hope that I did not offend any Christians. I am Christian myself, just to let you know...

Have a good day!

(Cough.) _**REVIEW!**_ (Cough.) _**I only love reviewers!**_ (Cough.)

-_AkatsukiAddict_


	6. Chapter 6: Thursday

**Guten tag, everyone! xD**

**I'm thinking of taking them to Konoha next chapter. So can you guys help me out a bit?**

**Think of some really weird crack pairings, or whatever else you want, and I'll _try _to put it in the story. If you have any suggestions or just some crazy ideas for the Akatsuki members, just inform me in your review.**

**And I am truly grateful to the awesome people who reviewed in the last chapter:**

_RileyKiller, Hisana Kuchiki, poopontoast123, Eat, keanadee, SweetStealer, xXUrbanRegalityXx, TheHumanBlankie, reanalee, violet.fox224, Ocean-Eyed Wolf, xcgirl08._

**You guys make my day. Seriously. :)**

**I hope you guys enjoy the chapter! **

* * *

Thursday

"WAKE UP MOTHAFUCKA'S! TODAY'S A NEW DAY FOR US NIGGS, FO'SHO!" the irritating wake-up call boomed loudly, echoing throughout the halls of the Akatsuki hide-out.

Itachi sighed tiredly as he woke up.

He glanced at the clock, trying to see what time it was. He failed.

He reached over to pluck his thick, stylish, black rectangle-rimmed glasses off his bedside table.

He looked at the clock again.

It read '3:30' in blinking red numbers.

3:30 A.M.

Yes, Uchiha Itachi woke up at three thirty in the _morning_. Well, he usually woke up at four o' clock, but he was doing something extra special today.

Do you know what he was about to do?

He was going to binge and then purge it all back up.

Yes, Uchiha Itachi was _bulimic_. Let us laugh at his weight problems like bullies.

**HAHAHAHAHAHA ITACHI'S FAT! LAWL!!!**

Oops- I mean:

Poor Itachi… 

_I've been waiting for this for such a long time, _he thought to himself, relieved that the time had finally come.

He tip-toed to the kitchen, making sure the no one was around, and grabbed some stuff from the refrigerator: some pints of ice cream, a gallon of milk, a box of chocolate chip cookies, a bar of dark chocolate with almonds in them, a butt load of bread, and a container of peanut butter.

Then, he grabbed the leftover turkey that the leader ate last night for dinner, several slices of chocolate cake, a couple boxes of Oreos, and a can of Coke- the soda beverage, not cocaine.

Wow, what a _pig_!

He laid everything all out on the table. He looked at the clock. It was 3:50 A.M.

He had to eat everything in less than ten minutes if he wanted to get it all back out.

"Here I go," he murmured to himself, sighing.

He grabbed the turkey first, shoving the greasy strips of meat into his mouth quickly, chugging it all down with a gulp of milk.

Then, he quickly made some peanut butter sandwiches and swallowed them down in record time. He took another sip of milk, hoping to get rid of the sticky feeling in his mouth.

He attacked the cookies and Oreos next, grasping them like they were his prey, and also shoved them down his mouth like the Apocalypse was coming. He chugged the glass of milk down, and had to move onto the soda. Even though he was feeling quite full, he continued eating.

He scooped some of the ice cream out of the pint and gulped them down greedily. He could feel a brain freeze coming. He hastily guzzled some soda down and snatched the slices of the chocolate cake with his _bare hands_. What an animal!

And he ate like an animal, too. He literally filled his entire mouth with the chocolate-y goodness, swallowing the pieces _whole_. He was done.

He glanced at the clock. It was now 4 A.M.

"Shit," he swore, hoping that it wasn't too late to purge.

He sprinted to the bathroom hastily, flicked the light switch on, slammed the door shut, and jumped to the toilet, kneeling in front it. He positioned his face toward the hole, stuck two fingers down his throat, gagged a bit, and vomited.

Oh my.

He did that over and over again, sticking his fingers back down in his throat until…

_The door opened._

Hidan and Zetsu stared at him in shock, observing his vomit-covered fingers, the vomit-covered toilet, and him kneeling over it like he was sick.

Itachi spoke first: "This isn't what you think it is."

Hidan's face twitched slightly. "What the fuck are you doing, Itachi?"

"You're bulimic," Zetsu stated slowly, frozen in place.

Itachi looked at his puke-covered fingers and remembered the incredible amount of food he had just eaten not too long ago. He still had to get the rest of it out.

"You better not tell anyone," he warned angrily.

"Okay," Hidan shrugged carelessly, yawning and walking back to his room.

Zetsu took one last look at the vomit-covered Uchiha and sighed sadly. He padded back to his room slowly.

Not wasting another second, Itachi continued puking his guts out.

"_I want to be skinny!_" he roared while throwing up.

Kisame and Sasori, who were light sleepers, heard the noise and went outside to check if anything was wrong.

They saw Itachi throwing up. Now finished, the Uchiha stood up wiping his mouth, and spat into the toilet, getting rid of the last glob of half-digested food.

"Holy shit," Sasori frowned.

"Sweet mother of bananas," Kisame gaped, gasping.

Itachi noticed them and calmly said, "If you two do not get out of my sight, I will stick a rusty fork in your eyeballs and twist them without hesitation."

Kisame, knowing that he would actually go through with his threat, fled the disturbing scene.

Sasori stayed.

"Aren't you going to leave?" Itachi asked coldly.

He shook his head. "I love watching people throw up. It's the shit, man. I hope you're not finished already."

Itachi looked at him oddly and shrugged. "Suit yourself."

"I'll help clean up," Sasori offered kindly.

What the _fudge_?

"Uh, okay…" Itachi said, raising an eyebrow.

The two Akatsuki members got down on their knees and ripped some toilet paper off the roll and wiped the puke-covered floor. When they were finished, they threw the dirtied paper into the trash and washed their hands carefully with soap.

They both glimpsed at the clock. It was now 5 A.M.

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going back to bed," Sasori stated, flicking the light switch off.

"Yea, I think I'll go back too. You wouldn't believe how exhausting vomiting can be," Itachi informed him calmly.

Sasori gave him a knowing look and smiled. "Oh, I know."

Itachi frowned and questioned, "How?"

"I got sick a lot when I was a kid; threw up every other day, almost," he explained.

"Sucks for you," the Uchiha smirked, walking back to his room.

"Did he just smirk…?" Sasori muttered inquiringly to himself, raising an eyebrow.

What the gay raisin? Was Itachi trying to be like _Sasuke_ or something?

He jogged back to his room, eager to jump back into his warm, comfy bed. He did that, and fell asleep soon after.

* * *

Sasori woke up and looked around. Peeking hastily at the clock, he saw that it was 2 P.M. 

"Holy shit," he swore aloud, jumping out of the bed and running out of his room.

The Akatsuki hideout was empty.

_Where did everyone go? _He thought to himself curiously.

Something flashed by in front of his face.

_Holy shit, what was that?? _

"Ooh, look at me! I'm zooming!" he heard someone shout loudly. He looked up and saw a younger version of Itachi flying.

Wait a minute… that wasn't Itachi!

"Who are you?" Sasori asked loudly, trying to catch the boy's attention.

The flying boy looked down at him and announced, "My name is Uchiha Sasuke and I am going to be the next Pokemon master! _Believe it!_"

"Oh God, not the 'believe it' thing!" Sasori cried in horror.

"What's wrong with believing it?" Sasuke questioned, baffled.

"The American version of 'Dattebayo' has totally raped the authentic Japanese one!" Sasori yelled, scowling like a little boy.

"Raping is cool. Believe it," the little Uchiha smirked.

"Shit," the puppeteer cursed, backing away. "You're going to rape me, aren't you?"

"You better believe I will," Sasuke cackled, swooping down to grab Sasori.

"_Holy jama llama!_" he screamed shrilly, attempting to run away.

"Come back here, sweet mama," the Uchiha crowed, winking flirtatiously.

Sasuke clutched the back of Sasori's shirt and pinned him down.

"Oh no, I'm getting raped _again_!" Sasori bellowed angrily, fed up with the author's fan girl-ness. "Author, get your own friggin' boy-toy!"

"**Never!!! Behold the power of Out-Of-Character-ness!**" AkatsukiAddict roared ferociously.

"Get out of here and write the damn story!" Sasuke yelled at her.

"**Damn. Okay,**" the narrator sighed sadly, backing out of the room and disappearing into thin air.

"Now, time to initiate the raping!" Sasuke laughed evilly.

"Damn son, how old are you?" Sasori inquired, trying to escape from the younger Uchiha's grasp.

"Twelve. But I'm Emo, so I can do whatever the fuck I want," he grinned, chuckling.

"So I'm about to get molested by a _twelve year-old_?" he thought aloud, raising his eyebrows.

"Yep," Orochimaru stated, popping out of nowhere.

"I wonder when _that day_ will come," Sasori pondered randomly.

"What day?" Sasuke asked, baffled.

"The day when Orochimaru or you won't rape me in my sleep," he replied calmly.

"That day will come when I become straight," Orochimaru sighed, looking up at the ceiling sullenly.

"You're gay?" Sasori asked, surprised.

"Wow, you _just _figured that out?" Sasuke asked, raising his eyebrow.

Sasori didn't reply. At this point in the struggle, Sasuke's grip on him loosened, so he wormed his way out from under the pre-teenager and miraculously escaped.

"Thank you, Lord!" Sasori praised, turning into a Christian like Itachi.

"Oh, the power of the Lord repels me!" Orochimaru cried, a mysterious light appearing and blinding his eyes. He screeched like a girl before he evaporated into the air.

"Shit," Sasuke frowned, looking at Sasori oddly. "You're weird."

"And you're Emo," Sasori stated, sticking out his tongue like an immature infant.

"Oh, the OOC-ness!" he cried, also vanishing into the air like water vapor.

Impulsively, Sasori woke up, panting with fear and shock.

"Crap, another Sasuke-Orochimaru dream," he sighed, rubbing his temples.

Then he went back to sleep.

Let's go see what Itachi's doing!

* * *

Unable to fall back to sleep, the Uchiha sat up on his bed and got out, trying to find something to do before the others woke up. 

"Maybe I should weigh myself," he thought aloud, walking over to the scale in the corner of his room.

Stepping on it gingerly, he winced and closed his eyes.

Summoning up the courage to find out what his weight was, he slowly opened them and peered down at the numbers below.

It read '125'.

"_NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!_" Itachi bellowed, placing his hands on his cheeks and stretching them down so that he looked like the monster in the movie, _Scream_.

Suddenly, Deidara burst in and shouted crossly, "Keep the fucking noise down, Itachi! Some of us are trying to sleep at five o' clock in the fucking morning_, thank you very much_, yea!"

Then, the blonde man understood what the Uchiha was doing.

He was _weighing _himself.

At five o'clock.

In the _morning_.

"So how much do you weigh, yea?" Deidara inquired curiously.

Itachi sighed resentfully and replied in a quiet voice as if he was ashamed, "One hundred and twenty five pounds."

"What the schnitzel? Damn, how'd you get that skinny, yea?" he questioned, raising his eyebrows in shock.

The 'fat' Uchiha raised his eyebrow. "Isn't that a lot for someone like me?"

Deidara looked at him pointedly and spat, "Oh yea? Well, I weigh one hundred and thirty five pounds, so are you saying I'm _fat_, yea?"

"Kakashi weighs one hundred and forty," Kakuzu stated, suddenly popping in.

"What the _fuck_ Kakuzu?" Hidan asked, sticking his head in from behind.

"What are all of you guys doing in my room?" Itachi inquired coldly, glaring at them angrily.

"Wow, Kakashi only weighs a hundred and forty?" Kisame gaped, suddenly joining the others.

"He's like, six fucking feet tall, too," Zetsu sighed, walking in the room, yawning.

"How much do _you _guys weigh, yea?" Deidara inquired.

"Why don't we just go around in a circle or something?" Sasori suggested, stumbling in sleepily.

"Can Tobi join, too?" Tobi chirped, skipping in happily.

"Sure, go ahead," Zetsu shrugged lazily.

"Tobi weighs a hundred and fifty!" he announced, completely satisfied with his weight unlike the others.

"Dammit, I weigh a hundred and fifty-eight," Kisame growled, poking his stomach.

"I weigh a hundred and fifty-five. Kisame, it's because of muscle, so don't worry about it," Kakuzu sighed tiredly, not caring much about his weight either.

"A hundred and thirty-five," Deidara repeated since the others didn't hear.

"A hundred and forty," Zetsu stated.

"I weigh a hundred and twenty-five," Itachi informed them monotonously.

"Damn, Itachi. I weigh a hundred and thirty," Hidan swore, frustrated.

"I weigh a hundred and five…" Sasori said quietly.

Everyone looked at him, their eyes full of jealously and shock.

"_What_?" Hidan seethed, glaring at him angrily.

"What?' Sasori asked, confused.

"Shit, I'm a fucking _truck _compared to you!" Kisame shouted, suddenly pounding his fists on the wall.

"I'm _fat_," Zetsu whimpered, starting to cry.

"I'm not exactly skinny either, guys," Sasori shrugged carelessly, not knowing what the big deal was about.

Itachi just looked at him oddly, frozen in place.

Deidara exited the room, stomping loudly.

Hidan spoke some colorful words irately and ran out the door.

Kisame and Kakuzu just shook their heads sadly and muttered, "I wish _I_ weighed that much…" Then, they quietly left, retreating to their own dorms to cry like little girls.

"I think we all need to go on a diet," Deidara murmured, shaking his head and going out the door.

"Sasori…" Itachi started to say.

Sasori looked at him. "What?"

"I hate you."

"Okay," the red-head shrugged, walking out slowly.

Itachi pouted like a little boy and then sighed sadly. Then, he closed the door so he could change and wash up in peace.

Entering the bathroom, he switched the light on and brushed his teeth slowly. Then, he splashed his face and gingerly patted it dry with a small towel.

Looking at himself in the mirror, he grabbed his ponytail and looked at it.

"Maybe it's time for a haircut," he muttered, opening the drawer and taking out a pair of scissors.

He walked over to the trash can and hacked the whole thing off!

No, just kidding. Hehehe...

He merely trimmed a few inches off so that it went just a little past his shoulders.

_I'll get a real haircut when I have time_, he thought to himself, blowing the excess strands of hair that clung to the scissors off.

After applying a little bit of lotion and sun block to his face carefully, he washed his hands with soap and dried them off on his shirt.

Heading back into his room, he reached into his closet and pulled out a black T-shirt and a pair of black Capri's. Quickly, changing into them, he slipped on ankle-length socks and stepped into a pair of black Converses.

Wow, black Converses!

_Hmm… they look nice. It's a good thing I bought them in New York while I was there, _Itachi smiled gently, satisfied.

He picked up a lip ring off his desk and slipped it in.

_It's a good thing I got my lip pierced while I was there, too._

Geez, Itachi...what other things did you do while you were in New York?

Well, on the bright side, Itachi looks like a smexy Goth boy.

The bad thing is- he doesn't have any tattoos on his arms, so it feels like there's something missing.

_Tattoos…I forgot tattoos, _Itachi sighed, peering down at his clean, blank arms. _Oh well, I'll just get some done today in Suna or Konoha._

He went to the G.F.H. and jumped up onto his platform, where the others were.

He noticed that everyone was glaring at Sasori.

"What happened?" the Uchiha asked aloud.

"Thin bitch," Kisame spat at Sasori, creasing his eyebrows angrily.

Sasori sighed. "Are you mad at me, too, Itachi?"

Itachi shook his head. "No."

"Why the hell not?" Zetsu questioned, raising his eyebrow.

"It doesn't matter," the Uchiha shrugged.

Hidan looked at him strangely. "But you're the one who's bulimic…"

Itachi glared at him and commanded sternly, "Shut up Hidan."

"What's the reason, Itachi? Why aren't you mad at him like we are?" Kisame hissed meanly.

Itachi laughed like a maniac, his Sharingan flashing on. "Because someday, I will be skinnier than he is," he replied, suddenly calm again, his eyes back to a normal black color.

"Why is he skinnier than I am? It's not fair!" Kisame whined, crossing his arms.

"It's because you're blue," Kakuzu smirked.

"Geez, Kakuzu. You're so damn racist," Hidan chuckled softly.

"Racism rules," Kakuzu stated calmly.

"Well, you guys suck. None of you guys are fat, so stop acting like immature little brats and shut the fuck up," Sasori told the others, sticking his tongue out at Kisame. Something glistened on his tongue.

"Whoa Sasori- what's that on your tongue, yea?" Deidara asked, leaning forward to try and get a better look.

"I got a tongue ring," Sasori boasted, suddenly in a good mood now since someone noticed it.

"Wicked," Zetsu breathed, suddenly feeling even more jealous. "I've always wanted one of those."

"Itachi, did you get a lip ring?" Hidan asked, just now noticing it.

The Uchiha nodded.

"No fair!" Zetsu cried, pouting.

"You can get any kind of piercing in Suna, you know, yea," Deidara informed him, shrugging.

"What about _down there_?" Itachi thought aloud accidentally.

Everyone stared at him.

"Please tell you did not just say that," Zetsu said, his eyes widening.

"Fucking pervert," Hidan muttered, rolling his eyes.

"_Fudging _pervert, Hidan," Sasori corrected him, sighing tiredly.

"But-"Hidan started to say.

"No buts!" Sasori yelled at him as if he was a little kid.

Hidan pouted.

"Great. First, it was the eyebrow-raising. Now it's pouting?" Kakuzu questioned aloud, exasperated.

"What's up with you, Kakuzu?" Hidan asked, raising his eyebrow.

Kakuzu opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted by Jay-Z, who suddenly appeared out of thin air.

"Dawgs, homies- wattap?" Jay-Z asked, smiling widely, showing off his diamond-encrusted grills.

"When are we going to Suna?" Zetsu asked, very eager to get some facial ornamentation.

"Now, of course! _Holla_!" the leader exclaimed, whooping and jumping out the lair.

Everyone followed him, jumping from tree to tree quickly.

* * *

_Five hours later:_

Everyone was starting to slow down.

"Hurry up, fools! You guys are damn slow," Jay-Z said, hopping quickly and efficiently.

"Damn, how the fudge do you jump so fast?" Hidan asked, starting to feel a little tired.

"It's 'cuz I'm black, fo' _sho'_!" he replied, smirking.

"Hey, we're there!" Sasori exclaimed, halting to a stop in front of a large gate.

A couple of ANBU were there, staring at them. After all, none of them had the Akatsuki cloaks on. All of them were wearing black T-shirts for some reason, and had some bracelets on their wrists, accessorizing the outfit very nicely.

"They're fashionable," one of the ANBU whispered to his comrade.

Zetsu looked down at his black Converses, thanking Itachi silently for buying them. He had given the Uchiha some money in New York so that he could get a pair of shoes for him. He had no idea Itachi was so fashionable until he received a pair of black Converses. He fell in love with them at first sight.

"We're allies of the Sand. Suna, _represent_!" Jay-Z bellowed loudly, making a peace sign with his hand.

The ANBU nodded, satisfied, and let them in.

_That sure was easy, _Itachi thought, raising his eyebrows.

When everyone walked in, the gate slammed behind them, startling Hidan and Zetsu.

"Damn, that scared the shit outta me," Hidan growled angrily.

"Same," Zetsu frowned, now in a bad mood.

"Suck it up and be a man, ya' get me?" Jay-Z grinned, shrugging. "Anyways, everyone, go explore. Sasori, Deidara- I need to talk wit' y'all."

Confused, the two men walked up to him.

"What's wrong?" Sasori inquired.

"Rememba' when y'all kidnapped the Kazekage?" the leader asked.

"Yea," Deidara nodded.

"Go apologize to him."

"What? _Why?_" Sasori asked, horrified.

"Because the Akatsuki's rep right now ain't so good, ya' know?" Jay-Z explained, crossing his arms.

"That's true, yea," Deidara agreed calmly.

"That's why I'm tryin' to improve it," Jay-Z said.

"Fine, I'll go apologize…even though you're the one who told me to kidnap him in the first place," Sasori stated, frowning.

"See you later, yea," Deidara smiled, waving at the leader before he and Sasori took off, whizzing from rooftop to rooftop.

* * *

Zetsu flinched slightly as the needle went through. 

"Damn, it hurts," he hissed, tensing up.

"Are you sure you want to get four all in one day?" the man asked, raising his eyebrow.

"Yea, I'm sure. At least we're almost done," Zetsu said.

"Here I go. Brace yourself," he warned him after clamping his tongue so that he could pierce it easily.

Zetsu felt a sharp stab on his tongue and felt a few tears slide out.

"Agh," he groaned, unable to form actual words now. His tongue was starting to swell up.

"It'll be over soon," the man informed him soothingly, sticking the backing of the tongue ring on firmly.

A teenage girl came over and sighed. "I can't believe you got two eyebrow rings, a lip ring, and a tongue ring all in one day. It's going to be hell for you for the next couple of weeks."

"Ahh weh," Zetsu said incomprehensibly.

"Well, you're free to go now," the man said, clicking off the overhead light.

Zetsu closed his mouth gently, and stepped off the chair. "Ank ooh!"

"You're welcome," the man smiled, somehow able to understand what he had said.

Zetsu was joyful and content. After all, he had received four, brand new piercings today.

* * *

Sasori suddenly halted in front of an old house. 

"Go on ahead without me," he told Deidara calmly.

"Why?" the blonde asked.

"I need to do something first," he explained.

Deidara shrugged, and disappeared, going to the Kazekage's place.

Sasori strolled down the walkway to his house and knocked on the front door, looking for his grandma.

"Grandma!" he yelled, banging on the door impatiently.

The door opened, but it wasn't his grandma who answered.

"Who are you?" Temari asked curiously.

"Who are you and what are you doing in my grandma's house?" Sasori questioned back.

"Your grandma? You mean Chiyo?" Kankuro inquired, raising an eyebrow.

Sasori nodded.

"Wait…if your grandma was _Chiyo, _then you must be…" Temari trailed off, her eyes widening. "No way."

"Hello," Sasori greeted, smiling nicely.

"Shit," Kankuro swore, backing away slowly.

"I'm not going to hurt you guys," he sighed, rolling his eyes. "I just came to visit my grandma, for old time's sake."

"You tried to _kill _her, from what I heard," Temari huffed, crossing her arms.

Sasori paused and creased his eyebrows. That was true.

"I've changed," he pleaded.

Kankuro shrugged. "We don't know that for sure. You're going to have to come with us." He grabbed Sasori's arms tightly and pulled them back roughly, tying them together securely with a piece of rope.

"What the hell?" Sasori asked, trying to escape from Kankuro's firm grip.

"You're an S-Class criminal, and a current member of the Akatsuki. We can't let you escape," Temari informed him sternly. "Let's go, Kankuro."

And so the two Sand siblings dragged poor Sasori to the Suna Council, where Gaara was.

* * *

Itachi inhaled sharply, the top-left part of his chest and other places of his body burning with pain. 

"Baby, it'll be okay; just one more place to go," the woman said soothingly.

Itachi was getting a tattoo.

Well, tattoos, more like, since he was getting more than one.

The top-left part of his chest, his left hipbone, his upper-right arm, his left wrist bone, and his left ankle were being tattooed.

"You sure you don't want a tattoo on your cheek or somethin'?" a man inquired, gently sticking a bandage on his arm.

"Should I?" Itachi asked, suddenly unsure. It seemed like a good idea.

"It's your body," the woman shrugged, cracking her gum loudly.

Itachi frowned, ignoring the current pain on his hipbone. Maybe he should get a number on his left cheek- maybe a seven.

"Can I get a medium-sized seven on my left cheek?" Itachi asked tentatively. After all, it was his _face_. Everyone would see it.

"Sure honey. Whatever you want," the woman shrugged again carelessly.

Itachi closed his eyes and felt the woman place the needle on his cheek. Feeling sharp waves of pain, he gritted his teeth and tensed up.

_Find a happy place, find a happy place_, he cogitated, creasing his eyebrows from the pain.

A few minutes later, the man and woman announced, "You're done!"

Itachi took a deep breath and sat up, wincing. He stood up and looked in the mirror. He had a bandage on his cheek, his arm, his wrist, his hip, his ankle, and his chest.

_Man, I look like I got beat up on the street or something, _he thought, raising his eyebrows. Nonetheless, he was happy.

The tattoos on his body looked like this:

Left cheek- a number seven outlined in black.

Top-left part of chest- 'Jesus Christ is my Saviour', in thick, black italic letters.

Left hip-bone- a small fancy-looking cross.

Upper-right arm- a thick, curved cross.

Left wrist-bone- a thin cross outlined in black.

Left ankle- 'God is Love', in thick, blocky letters.

Six tattoos in one day.

Man, Uchiha Itachi was a _very_ devoted Christian.

"Time to go get a tongue ring," Itachi sighed, pulling on his black T-shirt.

He handed a wad of money to the man and left the parlor, walking into a piercing shop that was right next door.

"What'll it be?" a teenage woman asked, smiling in a very friendly way.

Itachi pondered for a moment, wondering if he should get more than a tongue ring.

Grinning, he replied, "A tongue ring, an eyebrow ring, and…some holes in my ear."

The girl smirked. "You sure about this? It's going to hurt."

"I'm not worried about the pain factor," Itachi stated coolly.

"Oh, true," she said, eyeing the lip ring. "'Kay, let's do this."

Itachi walked over to an empty chair while she sterilized the needle and grabbed a poster of colorful rings.

"Pick whatever you want," she stated, placing the picture in his hand.

He picked a black eyebrow ring, a couple pairs of black studs for his ears, and for a tongue ring, he chose a silver stud.

The girl expertly fished through drawers and found them quickly.

Itachi closed his eyes and leaned back in the chair while she positioned the gun over his ears.

She clicked four times- two for each ear. Itachi didn't even flinch.

Oh man. Uchiha Itachi is an emotionless psycho.

He is the next Terminator! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! WATCH OUT MOTHERS! UCHIHA ITACHI WILL EAT YO' BABIES WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING!

Oh wait…Zetsu's the one who eats babies.

Never mind.

Finished with piercing, the girl cleaned the needle and announced, "You're done."

Opening his eyes, Itachi jumped off calmly, placing a small bundle of cash in the girl's hands and walking out the door.

For once in his life, Uchiha Itachi was happy- genuinely happy- because he had gotten some tattoos and piercings.

* * *

Kisame slipped his shoes off and stuck his feet in the beautiful, shimmering lake. He sighed contently and leaned back on his elbows, peering up at the bright blue sky. 

Who knew that the violent fish man was a peaceful guy at heart?

"Hey, Kisame," Kakuzu said, sitting down next to him.

"Kakuzu, what are you doing here?" Kisame asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Nothing, just bored," he answered calmly, sitting Indian-style.

"I wonder what the others are doing right now."

"Zetsu told me he was getting a couple of piercings."

"Itachi told me he was getting a couple of tattoos."

"Why'd he tell you that? He doesn't usually share his schedule with people."

"I'm his partner," Kisame stated, sitting back up.

"I heard Jay-Z's making Sasori and Deidara apologize to the Kazekage."

Kisame chuckled. "Serves them right, those thin assholes."

"So what's everyone else doing?"

"Well, we know what Itachi, Zetsu, Sasori, and Deidara's doing. You and I are here, at the lake, so that just leaves-"

"Tobi and Hidan," Kakuzu said, finishing the sentence for him.

"Well, Tobi's probably just wandering around picking flowers, for all I know," Kisame smirked, thinking of the masked man's random, childish hobbies.

"So what the hell's Hidan doing?" Kakuzu wondered aloud.

"I guess we'll never know," Kisame sighed, lying down.

* * *

"Amen," Hidan whispered, ending the prayer. He was at a spa, about to get a facial. He was just thanking Jashin for the much needed massage he had recently received. 

"Sir, are you ready?" the woman asked politely, a bottle of green goop in one hand and a silky brush in the other.

"Yea, go ahead," Hidan said, exhaling slowly and closing his eyes. Ahh, this was the life- facials, massages, and relaxing baths.

The female gently painted the mixture on Hidan's acne-free face and sighed. "Oh my- you have such lovely skin for a man."

Hidan smiled. "Thank you."

"So how's life for you?" she asked, trying to start up a conversation. It was her duty, after all, to make sure the customer was comfortable. If she allowed the customer to be bored or unsatisfied, her job would easily be taken away.

"Sucks," he replied shortly.

"Ahh," she nodded, now painting his nose.

Hidan was in Heaven. He thanked Jashin silently for the soothing facial, and promised a human sacrifice later.

Well, let's leave Hidan alone and go back to what Sasori and Deidara's doing!

* * *

"Sasori? What are you doing here, yea?" Deidara asked, wondering why a blonde teenager and a guy with purple paint on his face were dragging him in so roughly. 

"Deidara, _save me_," Sasori pleaded, struggling to loosen the rope on his wrist.

Gaara entered the room, walking in regally in his white-and-blue Kazekage robes.

"What's going on here?" he demanded sternly, eyeing Deidara and Sasori curiously.

"We kidnapped you, remember, yea?" Deidara asked, smirking.

He frowned. Of course he remembered that horrible moment. "Yes, I remember."

"We came to apologize," Sasori explained.

"They're S-Class criminals, Gaara," Temari frowned, looking at them with disgust.

"Look, I know 'sorry' isn't going to cut it, but we'll be willing to do something to pay off this debt, yea," Deidara begged, sinking to his knees, his hands clasped together in a praying position.

Sasori finally escaped from the Sand siblings' grasps and also sat down, knees together.

The two Akatsuki members bowed together, their foreheads touching the floor. Gaara and the ANBU shinobi watching were shocked.

Temari and Kankuro gaped. This couldn't be happening!

"Please forgive us, yea," Deidara muttered quietly, his face still to the floor.

Gaara sighed and shrugged. "Fine."

Kankuro widened his eyes. "Gaara, they tried to kill you!"

"I know," he said. "But I can't hold a grudge forever. Besides, his grandma brought me back to life, anyway."

"What?" Sasori questioned, suddenly snapping his head up and looking at Gaara oddly.

"She did," Temari told him.

"So doesn't that mean she-"Sasori started to say, and then froze.

"Yes," Gaara informed him sadly. "She was a kind woman, and we will never forget her."

"Don't worry- her heart still lives in you," Kankuro told Sasori, trying to soften the blow. After all, he had just found out that his grandma had _died, _for Pete's sake!

What Sasori did shocked everyone in the room.

Silent tears rolled down his cheeks as he just stared at the floor in shock. And then...

He bawled his head off.

Yes, he literally _wailed_ like a little baby.

"Shit, Sasori- calm down, yea!" Deidara yelled, running over to him and hugging him.

"Dammit, get _off _me! My grandma just died, so just leave me the _fuck_ alone!" Sasori shouted angrily, wiping his tears and sobbing some more. "Grandma…" he whimpered, sniffing.

Deidara fished out a tissue from the pocket of his pants and handed it to him.

Blowing his nose loudly, Sasori placed it back in his hand.

Looking at it with distaste, Deidara crinkled his nose. "Thanks, yea…" he said sarcastically.

"N-no problem," Sasori hiccupped, wiping his eyes.

"Come on, Sasori. Let's go home, yea," Deidara suggested, grabbing Sasori's wrist and helping him up.

Gaara, Temari, Kankuro, and the ANBU just looked at them, astounded. After all, they had just witnessed an S-Class criminal crying.

* * *

**Hello again. Did you like the story? Or did you think it sucked?**

**Well, the magic of technology allows you guys to click a button down below, and a small screen will mysteriously pop up on the screen, beckoning you to review!**

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**NOW GO OUT THERE AND EAT SOME BABIES. :)**


	7. Chapter 7: Friday

_OH MY GOODNESS. _

I wrote the Author's Note, but I kept pressing this weird button on my keyboard that kept erasing it! It erased it like _three times_!

_(Sighs.)_ Life sucks. :(

Anyways, thanks _so much_ to my reviewers:

_Catgurl2004, Guardian of Atlantis, Ocean-Eyed Wolf, poopontoast123, Kimimaros-Angel, Hisana Kuchiki, Maker-Chan, keanadee, xcgirl08, _and _Eat._

**You guys make my day. :)

* * *

**

Friday

"TGIF, HOMIES! GET YO' ASS OUTTA' BED 'CUZ WE'RE HITTIN' K-TOWN TODAY!" the new wake-up called rang loudly, waking Deidara up with a start.

"K-town? What's that, yea?" Deidara thought aloud drowsily.

Walking over to the bathroom, he washed up quickly and brushed his long, thick, healthy blond hair out,smiling.

"Oh my- my hair's even prettier than it normally is," he mumbled to himself cheerfully.

Wow, Deidara's just as conceited as Kisame is!

After putting his hair up in a half pony-tail, he combed his bangs out to cover his bionic eye, winking at himself in the mirror afterwards.

He took out a white Tall-T, which was a white T-shirt made by Footlocker.

Tugging it on over his head, he sighed, remembering the price.

"Ten fucking dollars for a simple white T…how fucking stupid is that?" he muttered angrily. He had to fork over ten dollars to the leader when they were in New York on Tuesday.

_-Flashback-_

"_Here," Jay-Z said, handing a plain white T-shirt over to Deidara._

_Deidara looked at it with distaste. "It's so _plain, _yea."_

"_Suck it up, man. I had to pay ten fuckin' dollars for it…even though I got it while it was on sale," he informed him._

"_Oh gee… thanks, yea," Deidara said to him dryly._

_Jay-Z glared at him. "It's not free, you know. Where's my ten dollars, foo'?_

_The blonde raised his eyebrows. "No fucking way, yea."_

_The leader punched him in the stomach _hard_, causing a lot of pain for poor Deidara._

_He handed the money over shakily, groaning painfully. Jay-Z snatched it out of his hand, smirking. _

"_That's what I thought, motha' fucka'."_

Deidara scowled at that unpleasant memory.

Impulsively, he examined the tips of his bangs for any split ends. It was his daily routine. His schedule looked a little something like this:

**9:00**- Wake up, get out of bed, wash up, etc.

**9:30**- Check for any split ends, possible dandruff, and see if nails need a manicure.

**10:00**- Of course, everything's perfect so commence changing into clothes.

**10:10**- Look at _BEAUTIFUL_ self in the mirror.

**11:00**- Stop and walk away while trying to resist the urge to look at self in mirror.

**11:01**- Fail and go back to mirror.

**11:30**- Finally stop looking in mirror and go eat.

Wait… Deidara paused.

He had to change everything that started from '11:30' because he was on a diet.

Well, he was on a _crash _diet, to be more elaborate.

So, the schedule now looks like this (starting from 11:30-everything else before is kept the same):

**11:30**- Finally stop looking in mirror, walk to dining room, sit down, and read.

**12:00**- When the others are finished eating, jump up to the G.F.H. for the daily Akatsuki meeting discussing missions, future plans, any possible financial problems that might arise, etc.

**12:30**- The meeting has probably ended by now; do whatever that leader commands.

**12:30-?** Do whatever.

Deidara raised his eyebrow. Wait-have they had any missions lately?

Come to think of it, the plan the leader invented that included the Nine-Tails was no longer discussed.

The Akatsuki hadn't gone on any actual missions all week!

**Monday:** Everyone finds Hidan and Sasori together in bed. Suspicion arises. Unfortunately, it turns out that nothing happened.

Deidara sighed. There's never any _juicy _gossip going on in this boring, dull organization.

Capture some little boys because they have a fucking _monster _living inside of them, suck it out, killing them in the process, and then go out to kidnap _more _people to suck some more fucking monsters out of them- over and _over _again.

Anyways, continuing with the description of the week:

**Monday (continued):** Learn some weird Hip-Hop things. Itachi unleashes his terrifying Mangekyou Sharingan on the leader, knocking him out and leaving him on the soft, plushy rug. Everyone retreats to room and falls asleep.

**Tuesday:** Itachi arrives at kitchen, screaming. Kisame runs after him, speaking German. Sasori flips out, acting extremely Out Of Character. Leader pops out of nowhere announcing that we are leaving on a field trip. In the end, it turns out that the destination is 'Nigga City'. Everyone sees disturbing images which involve gay men, dancing sluts, and lots of alcohol. Leader reveals his true name. Sasori almost gets raped. Hidan gets beat up and ripped up by an insane chainsaw killer. We leave Nigga City.

**Wednesday:** Itachi accepts Jesus Christ into his life, magically transforming him from an insane, cold-hearted atheist to an insane, cold-hearted Christian. Everyone finds out that Zetsu is gorgeous. Kakuzu is disturbed by eyebrow-raising. Hidan is a homophobe, or a hater of homosexuals. Everyone declares what country they are from. We learn the reason Kakuzu loves money so much.

**Thursday:** Itachi is bulimic. Everyone shares how much they weigh. We discover that Sasori has gotten a tongue ring, and that Itachi has gotten a lip ring. We visit Suna. Sasori and Deidara, have to go apologize to the Kazekage. Itachi gets more piercings and numerous tattoos. Zetsu also obtains some piercings. Hidan goes to a spa. Kisame and Kakuzu have a pleasant conversation at a lake. Tobi is off doing whatever he does…probably picking flowers somewhere. What Jay-Z is doing is currently unknown.

_Wow, what a week_, Deidara sighed, shaking his head. _What a stressful and disturbing week, more like, yea._

Realizing that he still only had his shirt on, he went back to his closet and pulled out a pair of black Capri's, pulling them up. Freezing, he realized something very unfortunate:

They were _tight_.

"Shit." Deidara widened his eyes. He couldn't believe it.

He sucked in his stomach and buttoned it, zipping it up slowly.

_No fucking way._

He felt like crying. This was horrible, _absolutely horrible_.

He shook his head furiously, trying to forget about it, and pulled on a pair of clean, white socks.

He took out a pair of Black Converses that Itachi had gotten for him in New York- well, Itachi had gotten _everyone _in the Akatsuki a pair, not just him- and jammed his feet into them.

Finally, he flipped on a few black and white bracelets to accessorize the look. After all, the Akatsuki members didn't have to wear their cloaks and spats anymore.

The White Tall-T's, Black Capri's, and Black Converses were the new unannounced Akatsuki uniform.

Well, the black cap was part of it too, but Deidara didn't want to ruin his hair.

Stomping moodily to the dining room, he huffed loudly, attracting attention.

"What's wrong, Deidara-sama?" Tobi questioned kindly.

"_No_! No more suffixes!" Kakuzu bellowed, slapping Tobi on the head frantically.

"Wh-why?" the masked man cried, baffled.

"Haven't you noticed that we haven't been using suffixes in the last _six chapters_, Tobi?" Sasori sighed, appalled by Tobi's stupidity.

"Oh, _that's _why Deidara isn't calling Sasori 'Sasori-danna' anymore!" Hidan yelled, banging his fist on the table. He had to get some of his excitement out. He doesn't usually discover things.

After all, Hidan was a little…_stupid,_ sometimes.

"You don't mind, right, Sasori, yea?" Deidara inquired casually, secretly hoping the answer was 'yes'.

"No, I don't mind at all. Actually, the 'danna' was a little annoying," Sasori replied coldly.

Everyone gasped.

"That was harsh, Sasori," Zetsu stated disapprovingly.

"Why do you care, Zetsu?" Sasori asked, raising his eyebrow.

"Ugh…eyebrow raising…" Kakuzu moaned loudly.

"Shut the fuck up, Kakuzu," Hidan sighed.

"Shut the _fudge _up, Hidan. Watch your mouth," Sasori reminded him.

"But-"Hidan started to say but was cut off by Sasori.

"No 'buts'!" the puppet-master shouted back.

Suddenly, Itachi started laughing.

Not the quiet, reserved chuckle, but the huge '_HAHAHAHA_' of laughter.

"_BWAHAHAH PUHAHAHA MUAHAHAH AHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAH LALALALA HAHAHAHA_!!!" Itachi hooted uncontrollably, his eyes filling up with tears from laughing so hard and his body shaking madly.

Everyone stared at him.

The Uchiha continued laughing.

"_HAHAHAHAHA, '_NO BUTTS' OH, I CAN'T STO_-HAHAHAHA,_ I CAN'T BELIEVE_-BWAHAHAHA!!!_ HOW INAPPROPRI-_MUAHAHAHAHA LAWL!!!_ SO IMMATURE_-HAHAHA_!!! Itachi guffawed wildly, now on the ground, clutching his stomach.

Suddenly, everyone got the joke. 'No buts' actually did sound like 'No butts'.

"OH MY-_HAHAHAHA_!!!" Sasori snickered. "I CAN'T BELIEVE I SAID THAT! _HAHAHAHAHA_ 'NO BUTTS'!"

Deidara snorted, "_AHAHAHA_ OH JEEBUS!"

Kisame, Kakuzu, and Zetsu were covering their mouths, trying so hard not to laugh.

Hidan, however, was laughing just as hard as Itachi, lying on the floor next to him. The two were clutching their stomachs which hurt from the excessive laughing.

Tobi was just sitting there calmly, not understanding what was going on.

Finally, when everyone had winded down a bit, Itachi said, "I never laughed like that in my entire life- not even while I was killing everyone in my clan."

Then, the others turned to look at him, frozen with shock.

"You were _laughing _while you were killing your own _family members_?" Sasori asked, aghast.

The Uchiha looked at him as if he was the crazy one. "Of course I laughed. It was tragic and sad."

"Wait, _what_? That's even more fudged-up," Hidan breathed, horrified.

"No, no. That's not what I meant-"Itachi started to explain crazily, shaking his head feverishly.

Sasori started walking toward him. "Hey, calm down," he said soothingly.

"Ew, what the _fuck_?" Hidan asked, backing away. "Another fag?"

"Shut up, Hidan, yea!" Deidara shouted angrily, looking as if he was about to punch the religious man in the face.

"Hey, listen to me!" Itachi suddenly yelled irately. "I'm trying to fucking explain _why _I was laughing!"

"Why? Is it because you're insane?" Kakuzu inquired, smirking.

"Itachi, I know you. You beat your own brother up without any mercy. In fact, you were taking it out harder on him than you do to us," Kisame sighed, reminiscing on that day when the elder Uchiha had beaten the younger one up.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! I WAS _TRYING_ TO _LAUGH_ BECAUSE I WAS TRYING _NOT_ TO _CRY_!" Itachi roared loudly, looking quite red in the face.

"That didn't…make any sense…" Zetsu said quietly, hiding behind Hidan, afraid that the Uchiha was finally having a nervous breakdown.

Actually, he was. Well, it was more like an _angry _breakdown, but same difference.

"YOU KNOW WHAT?? _(BLEEP)_ YOU GUYS, JUST GO _(BLEEP)_ YOURSELVES, MOTHER_(BLEEP)_ERS!" Itachi screeched crazily, his hands tugging at his ponytail. "AND YOU KNOW WHAT? _(BLEEP)_ THIS _(BLEEP)_ING PONYTAIL! I'M GOING TO HACK THE _(BLEEP)_ING THING OFF!"

Suddenly, the Uchiha ran over to the kitchen, grabbed a pair of scissors from a drawer, and roughly cut his ponytail off.

Yes, his long, split-end free ponytail.

It was _gone_.

The silky strands of hair fell to the floor, spilling in every direction. He evened out the sides and finally…

He looked normal.

His fearsome Sharingan was off, revealing his calm, black eyes.

His long, abnormal ponytail was cut off, a proper, normal haircut in its place.

He looked so much better.

In fact, the other Akatsuki members were _glad _that the Uchiha had the mental breakdown and cut his hair off. It was a _much_ more refreshing look.

"YES!!!" Sasori suddenly burst out, jumping up in the air randomly.

"It's…gone…" Kisame choked out, crawling over to where all the jet black strands of hair were on the floor. Picking some up, he rubbed them between his fingers tearfully. "I never got to pull it…"

"Pull _what_?" Hidan asked incredulously, thinking of something very perverted.

"His ponytail, idiot, yea," Deidara replied, shooting him a dirty look.

"You actually look nice for once, Itachi," Zetsu told the Uchiha, complimenting him nicely.

"Thank you," Itachi said calmly, back to normal.

"That was the shortest mental breakdown I've ever seen," Sasori said, raising his eyebrow.

"Ugh, eyebrows," Kakuzu sighed.

"That's right, foo'," Jay-Z smiled, suddenly popping in out of nowhere.

"Oh, hello," Zetsu greeted the leader cheerfully.

"Hey man," he saluted back, punching him in the arm in a friendly way.

However, the punch really hurt poor Zetsu. The former plant-man grimaced and rubbed his arm.

"Ready to hit K-town?" Jay-Z smiled.

The others nodded, their faces set to 'emotionless and cold-hearted Akatsuki member' mode.

"A'ight. I'll just open this portal right here and…" the leader paused and chanted some spells under his breath.

Sasori was suspicious. It had sounded like a rap. He had heard:

"_Oh, open this fucking portal. _

_Open it now or I'll cut yo' mama to pieces. _

_Open sesame! _

_Fuck it, fuck it. Now open, open! _

_Mmm…I like it raw, baby. _

_Chicken wings and drumsticks, chicken wings and drumsticks. _

_Turkey legs are no good. Get the real good KFC shit, dawg. _

_Taste the calories, fool! _

_Taste it or I'll shove it down yo' fucking throat! _

_Shove it, shove it. _

_You're pitiful. _

_You're a real pimp, a real playa'. Don't tuck that shirt in, leave it out. Pull down your pants until they're real low on yo' hips. _

_You look like a real nigga now. We, the black nation, we are the coolest._

_We beat white people any day. Oh yea._

_We beat Asians any day. Oh yea._

_We beat Mexicans any day. Hispanics? What?_

_We beat Indians any day. Native Americans? Not anymore, that's straight up._

_Racism is the best._

_Damn right._

_We rule the nation._

_We rule the land of sexiness. _

_Only we can pull off this Hip-Hop thing, yo. Don't even try it or we'll shoot you, land a bullet in yo' chest._

_Flip that cap on, turn it backwards._

_Don't be hatin' cuz we're black._

_Or we'll be hatin' cuz you're not. _

_This is why I'm hot. This is why I'm hot._

_This is why- this is why- this is why I'm hot._

_This is why you're not. Oh yea, that's damn right._

Sasori shook his head. Maybe he was hearing things. I mean, the leader wouldn't _really _say those kinds of things… _right_?

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the portal opened.

"Step in and it'll take us to Konoha!" Jay-Z announced.

Everyone entered the swirling purple vortex obediently.

Suddenly, they were transported to Konoha.

However, they had arrived in the Yamanaka flower shop for some strange reason.

"Ooh, hot blondie!" Jay-Z sucked his teeth and licked his lips seductively. He walked over to Ino and kissed her hand. "Hey pretty lady."

Ino pulled her hand back quickly as if she had just touched a hot potato. "Ew, gross!" he screeched, slapping Jay-Z in the face.

"Mmm…feisty. I like that in a woman," the leader smiled, rubbing his cheek.

Sasori sighed. Who knew the Akatsuki leader was a booby-chaser?

"Shit!" he heard Hidan cry. He turned around.

Itachi, Zetsu, and Deidara were looking around the flower shop.

"What's wrong?" Zetsu asked, turning around.

"Tobi, Kisame, and Kakuzu aren't here, and the portal closed!" Hidan cried, pointing to a blank spot in the wall where the portal used to be.

"They aren't necessary anyway," Itachi stated frostily.

"Ouch. That's harsh, yea," Deidara stated.

"It's true. They're fucking useless," Hidan shrugged. He started walking out of the shop. "Well, I don't know about you fuckers, but I'm going to go do some exploring."

"Same," Zetsu and Itachi said at the same time. They looked at each other weirdly, and raised their eyebrow.

"Oh, the eyebrows!" a voice suddenly yelled. They turned around, wondering how Kakuzu had gotten here.

It wasn't Kakuzu.

It was _Sasori._

"You're obsessed with eyebrows now, yea?" Deidara asked, shocked.

"I think I caught the eyebrow-raising disease from Kakuzu. Whenever someone does something with their eyebrows, I get very disturbed," Sasori replied, looking slightly shaken up.

"Guys, let's _go _already," Zetsu huffed impatiently. He pulled the sleeve of Itachi's shirt and asked, "Itachi, your house is here, right?"

He nodded.

"I wanna see it," Sasori said, running up to the two and jumping into their conversation.

"I don't, yea," Deidara smirked. "I'm going to go shopping or something, yea."

Then, with a flourish, he left the flower shop.

"Why?" Hidan questioned, raising his eyebrow.

"Oh, the eyebrows!"

"WAIT!" Ino suddenly cried, also entering the conversation. "Itachi? _Uchiha Itachi?_"

Itachi nodded calmly.

Ino screamed _very_ loudly.

Probably anyone within a 75-mile radius could hear it.

"Shit," Sasori breathed, cowering behind Zetsu. "They're going to come and kill us with their eyebrows!"

"Calm down, seriously," Hidan said carelessly. "We'll just kill them all. I need some new sacrifices for Jashin anyway."

Naruto and Sasuke were now in front of the flower shop, wondering what was going on.

Wait..._Sasuke?_

Wasn't he with Orochimaru?

Oh well.

"No sacrifices," Itachi told him sternly.

"Why the _fuck _not?" Hidan hissed impatiently.

Several ANBU shinobi had arrived in front of the shop. Naruto and Sasuke were standing behind them, peering at the bickering men strangely. They had come because to find out why Ino had screamed so loudly. They immediately figured the situation out and stood back, observing.

"It's against the Ten Commandments!" he shouted, gritting his teeth.

"Fuck you. Your religion's full of bull-"Hidan started to say, but then Itachi pounced on him, strangling him.

"Shut the fuck up, Hidan! You don't know _shit _about my religion!" the Uchiha yelled, shaking Hidan's head up and down.

Sasori and Zetsu grabbed Itachi's arms and tried to pull him off.

"Itachi, I thought you said your religion forbade you to kill people!" Zetsu shouted crossly, fed up with his comrade's religion.

Itachi froze, standing up and looking very perplexed.

Sasori looked at him oddly. "What's wrong, Itachi?"

Tsunade- along with Jiraiya and Kakashi- were now standing in front of the Akatsuki quartet, looking at the Akatsuki members oddly.

Suddenly, Itachi began to chuckle.

And he started laughing again.

Yes, I'm talking about the crazy laugh.

Well, it was _evil _now.

"MUAHAHAHA!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!! MUAHAHAHA!!!" he cackled over and over again like a robot. His eyes were wild and his grin was very freaky.

Then, Hidan stood up and slapped Itachi.

The citizens of Konoha stared in shock. What _was_ this?

What the _gay raisin_ were the Akatsuki members _doing_?

They were bickering and _slapping _each other?

"You slapped me," Itachi whimpered, his voice shaking. He looked at Hidan the way a little boy looks up to his daddy when he's getting punished.

"You fucking deserved it. I'll fucking slap you again, if you want," Hidan stated, raising his eyebrow.

Sasori lunged at Hidan, but Zetsu held him back in time.

"IF YOU RAISE YOUR FUCKING EYEBROWS ONE MORE _FUCKING _TIME, I WILL RIP YOU APART, BLOW YOU UP, AND THEN _EAT _YOU SLOWLY, WHILE YOU'RE STILL _FUCKING BREATHING_!" he bellowed crazily.

"Excuse me," Tsunade suddenly said, interrupting their argument.

"What the _fuck _is it?" Itachi asked, annoyed. Turning around, he looked at the crowd that had formed in front of the flower shop. He finally realized that they had been watching him the whole time. "Holy shit…" he breathed, his eyes widening.

"Uchiha Itachi, is it?" Kakashi asked, raising his eyebrow. "What in the world happened to you?" he questioned, remembering how emotionless and cold the Uchiha used to be.

"The _eyebrows_," Sasori hissed, glaring at Kakashi as if he were his prey.

"Itachi, you're a fat mama," Zetsu suddenly said, letting go of Sasori.

Everyone looked at him oddly.

"_What_?" The Uchiha asked, narrowing his eyes angrily. "What the _fudge _did you just call me?"

"A fat mama," Zetsu smiled, chuckling. He was obviously calling for a death wish.

Another tiresome battle of insults began.

"Oh yea? Well, you're a urine-soaked pencil-like _penguin_!" Itachi shouted, saying the first things that came into his mind.

"You're a disgusting bar of _chocolate-covered soap_!" Zetsu yelled back.

And from then on, the argument went like this:

Itachi: "Teletubby-watching _adolescent_!"

Zetsu: "Fat, bald gorilla-like _loser_!"

Itachi: "Barbecue-covered _meatball_!"

Zetsu: "Barney-obsessed _pedophile_!"

Itachi: "Pink, pickled _piece of pasta_!"

Zetsu: "Fugly _farty-pants_!"

Itachi: "Disgusting, belching _beaver_!"

The others sat down and just watched, amused. They kept quiet, wanting to see what else Zetsu and Itachi had to say at each other.

And then they started on the _'Yo Mama'_ jokes.

Zetsu: "Oh yea? Well, yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise!"

Itachi: "Yo mama so fat she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller!"

Zetsu: "Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read 'one at a time, please!' _Fucker_!"

Itachi: "Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! _Douche bag_!"

Zetsu: "Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and Skittles came out! _Bastard_!"

Itachi: "Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread! _Asshole!_"

Zetsu: "Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death! _Shit-head_!"

Itachi: "Yo mama so ugly when she was born the Doctor smacked her face. _Slutty bitch_!"

Zetsu faltered a little and said shakily, "Oh y-yea? W-w-well, at least I-I'm not a…" he paused.

Itachi noticed this and smiled triumphantly. "That's what I thought."

Fed up with the bad treatment he was receiving, Zetsu yelled, "UCHIHA ITACHI IS A GAY, PORN-WATCHING BULIMIC _IMBECILE_!"

Itachi froze. "Zetsu, you _promised _you wouldn't tell," he whispered. His quiet whisper was loud enough for everyone to hear though.

Zetsu cackled evilly.

"You're _bulimic_?" Tsunade asked, appalled.

"You watch _porn_?" Jiraiya gaped, his eyes now the size of saucers.

"You're _gay_?" Hidan asked, raising his eyebrows. "Damn, not _another _fag in the Akatsuki…"

"_Eyebrows_…" Sasori muttered, disturbed.

"No, it's not true!" Itachi cried frantically, his eyes revealing everything.

It _was _the truth.

Well, except for maybe the gay part.

"It _is _true, Itachi. Admit it," Zetsu sneered meanly.

"I'm not gay. I'm bi," the Uchiha stated monotonously, returning back to his original self.

Now everyone was staring.

"_What_?" Sasori gaped.

Zetsu raised his eyebrows.

Sasori had it. That was the last straw. The puppet master _snapped._

He grabbed Zetsu's white, Tall-T shirt tightly and socked him right in the mouth.

"STOP WITH THE _GODDAMN _EYEBROWS!" Sasori roared madly.

Hidan whacked Sasori on the head _hard_, knocking him out. His body slumped into Hidan's arms.

"Hidan, that was completely unnecessary," Itachi pointed out calmly.

"You're back to normal?" Zetsu asked, wiping his bloody mouth.

Itachi nodded.

"What's bulimia?" Naruto suddenly asked aloud stupidly.

"It's when you vomit your food," Neji informed him wisely.

"_Ew_! Why would you want to do _that_?" he asked innocently, appalled.

"No wonder you're so fat," Itachi muttered, loud enough for him and several other people to hear.

"So you _are _bulimic?" Sasuke suddenly asked, interested. "Does it work? Did you lose weight?"

Itachi, just now noticing that he was here, shouted joyously, "Sasuke, my _brother_! _COME JUMP INTO MY ARMS_!" He stretched his arms out to his sides, ready to hug him.

The others looked at him strangely.

"Itachi, are you feeling…okay?" Hidan asked, raising his eyebrow.

Zetsu snickered, and then coughed roughly, trying to pretend that he hadn't laughed at all.

Hidan looked at Zetsu suspiciously. "Zetsu, what the _fuck _did you do to Itachi?"

He smiled maliciously. "Oh, you know...I just put a little bit of _cocaine_ and _crack_ in his water bottle that he drinks every morning. I was wondering when it was going to kick in."

Itachi frowned. "Sasuke, I _said, _'COME JUMP INTO MY ARMS!'" he shouted impatiently, frustrated with his brother's lack of obedience. He stomped over to Sasuke and swiftly gripped his right ear, pulling it hard.

Sasuke, wincing painfully, kicked Itachi in the side. "I will kill you," he spat hatefully, glaring at his elder brother with detest.

"But _I love you_!" Itachi cried morosely.

The younger Uchiha looked at him as if he had just mooned him. "…_What_?"

The older Uchiha chuckled and then realized his mistake.

He said that he loved him.

I mean- an older brother saying 'I love you' to his younger brother?

That's like _taboo _in the rules of siblings.

"Sweet mother of bananas," Itachi breathed, frightened. What a mess he had gotten himself into!

"Sweet mother of bananas? What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Sasuke inquired, raising his eyebrow.

At this point, Sasori had woken up from his slumber and arose groggily. Hidan had dropped him from his arms on the floor not too long ago, so he had this thumping headache.

He saw Sasuke.

Remembering the dream he had with Sasuke and Orochimaru, he paled.

"_Holy shit_," he swore aloud.

Everyone turned to him, surprised that he recovered so quickly from his previous knock-out that he had received from Hidan.

"You _raped_ me," Sasori said, pointing to Sasuke accusingly.

Everyone turned their attention to Sasuke.

"_What?_" Everyone asked, baffled.

"Yea, seriously. _What_?" the younger Uchiha asked, completely confused and surprised for once in his life.

Jay-Z walked out of the shop and thumped all four of the Akatsuki members on the head. "Talk in the nigg' language, fools!" he yelled irately.

"Oh, right!" Sasori exclaimed, remembering.

"Fine," Itachi said monotonously, rolling his eyes discreetly. "Yo, mah' brutha'. Why'd you rape mah' homie?"

Sasuke now looked very frightened. "Wha-what are you saying?"

Itachi exhaled sharply and repeated, "Why'd you rape mah' homie, yo?"

"Straight up, G," Sasori added.

"I didn't," Sasuke replied, raising his eyebrow.

"Don't raise yo' eyebrow, foo'. It's irritating me," Sasori sighed.

"Hey, y'all got any hot chicks here man?" Zetsu suddenly asked.

Then, he spotted Sakura and Hinata.

"Woo, they _fine_!" he whooped, walking over to them and smiling goofily.

Sakura and Hinata looked at him, feeling very disturbed.

"Nigg, let's hit K-town already," Itachi drawled to Jay-Z.

The leader snorted and said, "We're already in it, foo'."

It was then that the Uchiha finally realized that 'K-town' was 'Konoha'.

"Shit!" he swore, comprehending something else. "I'm not dreaming."

"You just noticed that?" Hidan asked.

Itachi sighed, calmly walked over to a nearby pole, and…

He started banging his head on it repeatedly.

"What the fudge, yea!" Deidara yelled. He had just come back and was carrying several shopping bags.

"You're so _emo_, aniki," Sasuke sighed, shaking his head. For some reason, all the hate he had for his brother was replaced with pity and shock.

Everyone looked at him, feeling a little sick.

I mean, come on. Everyone knows that _Sasuke's _the emo in the Uchiha clan.

* * *

Man, my family's pissing me off so much. They won't leave me alone! Or maybe it's just because I've been really stressed lately with school and uploading my story once a week and all... T.T

**There's going to be a Friday Part II. I just had to cut it into two parts.**

I hope you guys are having a better life than I am:)

And I also hope you guys will have time to review my story. ;)


	8. Chapter 8: Friday II

Redid the ending. It's basically the same except I deleted the epilogue.

The 'MicrosoftWerd' picture is on:

w w w . x a n g a . c o m / a k a t s u k i a d d i c t

Copy, paste, and remove all the spaces. If that doesn't work, then you can check out the link on my profile.

**Thanks a million to my reviewers: **

_reanalee, Maker-chan, Kawaii Kyuubi-chan, Son of the morning, xcgirl08, Catgurl2004, Guardian of Atlantis, poopontoast123, xXUrbanRegalityXx, darkangel-iticha'sgurl118, keanadee, Ocean-Eyed Wolf, and any other future reviewers._

* * *

Itachi hissed, and whipped around, his eyes flashing with disbelief and anger. 

"_I'm _the emo!? Are you _joking_?" he asked, his voice starting to sound a bit strained.

Sasuke smirked and merely nodded.

"Oh, it's _on_, bitch," he spat, lunging at his sibling.

Sasori and Deidara quickly tackled him, hoping to prevent him from mauling his brother.

The three went down on the ground hard, clouds of dust coming out from under them.

Deidara shook his head, a little dazed, and stood up, allowing Sasori and Itachi to breathe.

Sasori coughed violently, an aftereffect of being squashed under a very heavy blonde. As he lifted himself up, his hand landed on Itachi's butt, pressing something that felt like a button.

Itachi suddenly went limp, appearing as if he was dead.

"Is he okay?" Zetsu asked warily.

The puppet-master didn't reply. Instead, he suddenly pulled down Itachi's pants!

_HOLY JAMA LLAMA! LOOK AT THOSE BUNS OF STEEL! _

"_Damn, _Itachi sure has a nice _gluteus maximus_, yea," Deidara stated, his jaw dropping.

Zetsu gave a low whistle, obviously impressed.

Sakura blushed, her eyes widening.

Sasuke grimaced.

Hinata fainted.

Hidan vomited.

Naruto shrugged, not knowing what the big deal was all about. I mean, a butt is just a butt, right?

Sai laughed crazily for some unknown reason.

Tsunade got turned on.

Jay-Z gagged. He was straight, after all.

Everyone else stared.

And stared.

And stared.

And let me tell you this:

Their eyes were like Jigglypuff's from Pokemon, if you get what I'm saying.

"Eureka! I knew it!" Sasori shouted aloud.

Zetsu looked at him oddly. "What do you mean?"

The red-head pointed to a green dot on the Uchiha's butt.

It was a switch.

'Itachi' was actually an automaton- an example of artificial intelligence.

In other words…

UCHIHA ITACHI WAS A FAKE!

Or at least, the one in Konoha was…

Let's see what the _real _Uchiha Itachi is doing.

* * *

"I have a delivery for Mr. Uchiha," a man shouted, rapping on the door softly. 

Itachi heaved himself out of his chair and stumbled to the door, flinging it open.

"Sign here, please," the delivery man ordered, giving Itachi a pen and a piece of paper that had some shipping rules and other useless information that we don't really care about.

Itachi furiously scribbled his name on the paper and handed it back to him. The man placed two large cardboard boxes in his hands and ran down the stairs.

He slammed the door shut and peered at the boxes.

_The boxes_.

Ooh, so exciting!

He ripped the bigger one open and started drooling.

It was a video collection.

It included ten, high-quality videos of porn.

Yes, that's right. _Porn._

Uchiha Itachi was a closet pervert! Let us all laugh at him and mock his raging teenage hormones!

Itachi started laughing maniacally. "OH YES! IT HAS COME! I HAVE WAITED _SO LONG _FOR THIS MOMENT!"

Man, Uchiha Itachi needs to get _laid._

He gingerly placed the videos down on a nearby table and ripped open the other box with his bare fingers.

Unfortunately, that didn't work out too well so he tore it open with his teeth like a rabid rabbit.

Lo and behold, it worked!

Then he slapped himself for no reason.

Then, he eased the package out of the box. He had ordered a writing program so that he could write resumes and such on his laptop. He wanted to live in Nigga City. It was such an amusing place! Besides, everyone wanted to kill him in the ninja world, anyway. What was the point of staying there?

He could barely contain his excitement. It was just what he had ordered!

It was MicrosoftWerd

_No, _I'm not talking about MicrosoftWord.

Microsoft_Werd- _it's the MicrosoftWord for gangsta niggs, fo' sho'.

The box was a simple black and white, with a collage of black people on the front. Below it read, '**Write letterz n shit, yo.**'

"Oh, straight up, G," Itachi breathed out quietly.

He opened the box slowly and took out the compact CD required for the set-up.

His stomach growled.

_Eh, I'll set it up later,_ he shrugged, dropping the box and the CD on the soft carpet floor.

He gave himself a once- over in the mirror and was satisfied with what he saw. His haircut was super sexy, his complexion was flawless and pale, his yellow _Hillsong United_ T-shirt was clean and lint-free, his black, Hot Topic shorts- which had beastly stainless steel chains on them- were very gothic and cool-looking, and his black Converses were _so fucking hot_!

He was one smexy beast.

"Ooh, I'm so _beastly_," he murmured to himself huskily, blowing himself kisses.

Then he walked out of his small condo and stepped into the streets of wonderful New York. His tattoos and piercings had already healed (which was abnormally fast), so his eyebrow rings, lip rings, and multiple earrings were glinting in the sunlight, making him look fierce.

No, not fierce. Let's just go with _beastly_- the good kind.

And the sexy number seven on his cheek completed the look. People were staring at him while he walked down.

Let's face it. There aren't many attractive, gothic Asian males who have numerous piercings and tattoos.

That's what makes Uchiha Itachi so damn sexy!

Well, he was skeletally skinny, too, so I guess that was another reason why people were staring.

Man, he was one attractive skeleton.

Wait, I thought he was on a diet…

_Oh, I'm on a diet! _Itachi suddenly remembered, pausing in the middle of the road.

Yes, the _road._

Suddenly, a bright yellow taxi car zoomed and hit him!

_OH NO!_

Itachi's body rolled up the front of the car, his blood splattering prettily on the window surface. Then, his body rolled down on the concrete pavement sickly, appearing as if he was a squirrel that had just been run over!

Nah, it didn't look _that _appalling.

But he was still hurt pretty badly.

Pedestrians, models, drivers, and policemen rushed over to him, gasping with fright and horror.

Itachi's head was bleeding, he appeared bruised and battered, and his shirt was covered with blood.

The policemen gently prodded the limp body and asked, "Son, are you okay? Can you move?"

The Uchiha groaned, and rolled on his back, sitting up leisurely. He rubbed his head and grimaced at the sight of the red blood tainting his fingers.

He looked down and yelped, his deep voice echoing throughout the city.

"Wh-what's wrong? Are you okay?" one of the women questioned, looking at him with concerned eyes.

"My shirt! My fucking, twenty-dollar shirt is _ruined_!" Itachi yelled angrily, inspecting the dark bloodstains.

"What about your head, son? Do you feel nauseous at all?" the policeman inquired, ignoring his sudden outburst.

"I don't care about my _head_! This is my favorite shirt!" he bellowed, glaring at the man as if he was the stupidest monkey on the planet.

One of the models looked at him oddly. "It's only twenty dollars," she said, shrugging. After all, she was wearing a red leather coat that had cost over a thousand dollars. Two-digit prices meant _nothing _to her.

"You can take it off and wash it, can't you?" one of the drivers asked, looking at him oddly.

"Yea, there's a laundry place right across the street. I can take it there if you want," an elderly grandmother smiled nicely.

Itachi's face lit up. "Really? You would do that for me?"

She nodded.

Itachi stood up and pulled the dirtied shirt off, passing it to the grandma.

Everyone else gaped.

Itachi didn't have a six-pack.

He didn't have an eight-pack or a ten-pack.

Ladies and gentlemen, Uchiha Itachi had a _twelve-pack._

I didn't even think that was possible.

"Sweet mother of bananas," a little girl breathed, staring at his perfect, muscular chest with perverted eyes.

"Nice tattoo," a skateboarder complimented, gazing admiringly at him.

"Thanks," Itachi grinned.

The ambulance came toward them and stopped right in front of the crowd.

"Where's the dude who got hit by a car?" one of the paramedics asked loudly, cupping his mouth with his hands to act as a megaphone.

"Over here," the policeman said, pointing to Itachi.

"Whoa, how the schnitzel does he have a _twelve-pack_?" the dude questioned, unable to look away from the Uchiha's radiant beauty.

"My head's going to crack open," Itachi announced.

"Oh, sorry!" the paramedic exclaimed, running forward with a stretcher. "Here, get on and we'll take you to the emergency room."

He obeyed and lay down on the thin, stark white mattress.

And alas, he fainted from the loss of blood.

Somewhere in the distance, an acorn cried.

Yea, I have no idea what the acorn has to do with Itachi.

Maybe they had an affair.

Perhaps they met together one foggy night. As they gazed lovingly into each other's eyes, they sighed and kissed passionately. The mama squirrel came by and, filled with jealously, it decided to kill the acorn and take her beloved Asian man for her own!

She ate the acorn and loved the taste of it so much that she threw it up again so that she could taste it one more time. The acorn, covered with stomach juices, rolled away into the lake and escaped, bobbing safely on the surface.

Itachi cried and mourned for his lover…his beautiful, perfect acorn.

And thus, the two were separated from each other, suffering from loneliness and heartbrokenness.

Later on, he finds out that his father, along with the rest of his clan, were the ones who hired the mad, love-sick squirrel! They had commanded her to eat the acorn and snap Itachi back to reality.

What they did not know was that Itachi loved the acorn greatly. He loved it so much he gave it a name.

He named her Pikachu.

Pikachu evolved from the dull, dreary acorn it used to be into an adorable, bright yellow pokemon!

Ash saw Pikachu and captured it! He then created the show, 'Pokemon', which became immensely popular at first. Over the years, the excitement of the fans died out and even little kids preferred watching Teletubbies than Pokemon.

Oops, I'm getting _way _off track here.

Then, one day, Itachi saw Pikachu battling Charizard on the television, getting beat up and knocked around, and he knew, deep in his heart, that she was his lover. Pikachu was the acorn. Pikachu was his first and _only _love!

It was then that a dark hate filled his heart. He hated his father. He hated his clan. They _mocked_ him and they _shunned_ him for loving an acorn.

They didn't understand. Uchiha Itachi was so much deeper than that.

They couldn't understand.

They weren't able to see that he _loved _her. He loved Pikachu dearly, his heart filled with a burning _passion _for her- only for her.

That was when he decided to kill them. He _needed _to kill them.

That night was the night of the Uchiha Massacre.

The only person who didn't know about Itachi loving an acorn, and therefore had nothing to do with the evil plot to hire the squirrel, was Sasuke.

That was why Itachi left his innocent little brother alive- but he had this deep, lingering feeling in his gut. He felt as if Sasuke would've grown up to be just like him. He felt that he was able to love an acorn.

But you have to be strong to love an acorn. If you aren't strong, then you can't possibly kill those who tease you about it, now could you?

Therefore, he devised a plan. He wanted to make Sasuke powerful, so that when he grew up, he would be able to love an acorn freely, slaughtering anyone who stood in his way!

In the end, Itachi was not able to reunite with Pikachu. Their hearts were torn in two.

Later, Itachi found out the most shocking truth.

Pikachu was not a girl. 'She' was not in the female section of the pokemon.

Pikachu was a male.

Itachi had loved another male.

Ever since then, he has covered up his emotions, too scared of what could happen if he let himself love another male once again. Therefore, he abandoned his feelings, especially the ones that required loving and caring for others.

But then, he discovered Jesus Christ. He accepted Him into his life, and all of his emotions returned. He could now love once again!

Now, this tragic story must come to an end.

Why?

Because Hidan farted, that's why!

MUAHAHA!!!

No, not really. Hidan's _way _too cool to fart. He burps, which is so much sexier.

Now let's go back to what Sasori and the others are doing.

* * *

"That's messed up, yo," Jay-Z stated, frowning. 

"Damn, where the fo' sheezy' did Itachi get this kinda idea of makin' an android outta himself?" Sasori wondered aloud curiously.

"Dunno man. Maybe he got it from watchin' porn or somethin', ya' dig?" Zetsu shrugged. "Or maybe it's 'cuz he's the Uchiha prodigy."

"Either way it doesn't matter, yea," Deidara said nonchalantly.

"Why the fuck not?" Hidan asked, raising his eyebrow.

"Hidan, if you raise yo' fuckin' eyebrows' one more _fuckin' _time, I will _eat them _off yo' face!" Sasori yelled irately.

Hidan shuddered. "Fine."

"Why are we here in the first place, yea?" Deidara asked.

Jay-Z looked at him, his wise eyes glimmering in the sunlight.

He sighed and then roared, spit flying from his lips, "WE MUST SPREAD THE HIP-HOP CULTURE TO THE OTHERS, FOOL!"

Deidara frowned as he wiped the offending saliva off his face. "Then why are we just standing here, yea?"

"Wait, so you guys aren't trying to take over Konoha?" Sakura asked, baffled.

Sasori gasped loudly and impulsively screamed like a little girl.

Zetsu whipped his head and questioned angrily, "What the fuck was that for!?"

"I-it's _her_!" he screeched, pointing accusingly at Sakura.

Sakura looked puzzled. "Wha-what did _I_ do?"

"Yea, seriously. What _did _she do?" Hidan inquired, completely dumbfounded.

Sasori slapped himself. "She's a _murderer! _She killed me!"

Sakura gasped. "Are you Chiyo baa-sama's grandchild??"

"Hell yea!" he shouted, glaring at her hatefully.

"You're supposed to be _dead_!" she exclaimed, her eyes widening.

"You're supposed to be a man!" he shouted back.

Everyone looked at him strangely.

"_What_?" Naruto asked.

"It's a long story. Anyways, you should've been the one to go to Hell, not me!" Sasori cried.

"Me? I would've gone to Heaven, _baka_!" she spat.

"Says the atheist," Hidan muttered under his breath.

"Everyone, I command you to _shut up!_" a mysterious voice commanded, his voice booming throughout the land.

Everyone turned around to see who it was.

It was Simba.

"A lion!" Zetsu cried, shrinking in fear.

Sasori yelped.

Orochimaru appeared out of nowhere and ran up to Simba, yelling, "I WILL AVENGE MY CLAN!"

"SNAKES ARE DELICIOUS!" Simba roared, biting his head off.

_OH YES! _

"Mmm…delicious," he growled, smiling.

Then, he walked away into the blood red sunset, his golden fur shimmering beautifully in the sunlight.

From that day on, people learned about the culture of Hip-Hop. They used the power of Hip-Hop to protect themselves against Simba, the Lion King, who would come every ten years and eat someone.

* * *

I personally think the ending's more dramatic without the epilogue. What do you guys think? 

I want to write another crackfic. BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY INSPIRATION! _OH NOESSS!!!_

If any of you have ideas, go ahead and write it in your review. Now, auf wiedersehen everyone! Have a lovely day. :)

-_AkatsukiAddict_


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